Wake up dear girl! You have to be stronger than the thing that’s trying to destroy you. You have to work just as hard at healing yourself as you did at unravelling yourself. I wonder sometimes if that’s why you’re tired of this battle so quickly? Because you never refueled after the last one. You went straight from turning yourself into dust to trying to form a body out of all the ashes that were left behind. I’m sorry that it worked out that way love but there wasn’t anymore time to waste. Can you not see that? You’d already lost years, and laughter and your belief in the world. You aren’t a kid anymore, there isn’t all the time in the world to make things right whilst you are still making it all wrong. I don’t mean to sound mean or harsh or anything like that, I am just telling you the truth and maybe you don’t want to hear that right now but it’s something you can only run from for so long. The cycle will never change, the outcome will never be different and you can spend another 10 years of your life trying to disprove that or you can decide that you aren’t going to believe the lies anymore, you are going to open your eyes and fight this thing like you’ve never fought anything before.
Recovery is really hard work and I think you underestimated that. I think you misjudged this entire situation. It hurts to admit that this is tough, doesn’t it? I get that, I get that it’s because you don’t want to fully believe how much power you let this disorder have over you, you don’t want to acknowledge that something tricked you or got the better of you. Well, I am telling you right now, in this minute, that all this and everything that happened is nothing to be ashamed of. You aren’t the first and unfortunately you won’t be the last. Come on!!! You’ve always hated the idea of a victim, refused to call yourself one, you even had an argument with the psychiatrist that time when you would not tell her whether you were a survivor or a victim because you disagreed with putting yourself into a box like that and saw yourself as neither. You might have not got any leave that day, but you stood your ground and that’s what I am asking you to do right now. I am asking you to stand your ground lass because this is the only way that you begin to reclaim it. Don’t let yourself be a victim. Don’t let this disorder make you into something you never wanted to be.
I’m not going to sugar coat this for you because whether you want to see it or not the only person who is capable of saving you is you. Nobody else can do this for you. No one else can drag you out of bed in the morning and make you eat everyday for the rest of your life. That’s on you. It’s on you to create a world that holds more than this disorder could ever give you. It isn’t easy, it won’t be easy for a long time and I know that’s not what you want to hear either but again it is the truth. This is a brutal recovery and it’s horrible but it’s the only way. It’s the only way that you will live. I’m sorry that you still have to fight. I’m sorry that you even had to fight in the first place and I’m sorry you thought so little of yourself that you thought that hurting yourself like this was an ok thing to do. My apologies though will only go so far. It’s up to you now.
Be a damn good fighter, give it everything you have and everything you didn’t know you had and put an end to this battle once and for all. Play to win dear girl. Play to fucking win!