Today has been strange and kind of thought-provoking. I think that tends to be the case when you have to switch gears so quickly and also when you are studying a field that you also in a way live in.
I shall explain.
My CPN came to see me this morning, which is usually not that eventful because she never stays long enough for it to be (15-20 minutes) or she’ll just say something triggering. However we managed to cram quite a bit into the time today, mostly relating to my mood and how that’s been and thoughts and behaviours that could be putting me at risk. I was mostly honest with her. I told her about how I don’t think anyone actually wants to hear the truth about what’s going on for me because they don’t know what to do with it and she asked me if that applied to her too. I told her I didn’t know…because I don’t know. I don’t know her well enough to make a true judgement on trust just yet. The standard questions were asked;
“Has it been like this before?”
“What helped last time?”
“How did you change it last time?”
It hasn’t been like this for a long time and what happened last time was I usually ended up losing the ability to make a choice about what’s going to happen to me. Neither of us knew what to say then. I told her I don’t think we’re there yet. It’s not as dark and I still have a grip on this. I’m still talking to you. I have this pattern of engaging up until a point and then I’ll just stop. I’ll stop speaking and I’ll pretend it’s all fine. I shut me down. I let her know that if this happens then people need to move pretty damn fast…and then this weird thing happened, she actually listened to me. First she asked me if I needed to go into inpatient, if that’s what would help at this point. The answer was no. It doesn’t help and I don’t have the time for it. Which she seemed to take on board. I was asked if I wanted home care or do I prefer the day hospital? The day hospital is definitely something I prefer but I just don’t want it to get to that point. I suppose the good thing is though is that she knows my preferences if it gets to a certain point and she seems to be taking my lead right now about what I know works best for me and what doesn’t. It’s quite an empowering feeling to be in charge of your care like that, especially when it comes to general psych. My next appointment is on Monday.
So after the appointment I went to my classes and my worlds collided a little bit. I was still chasing the thoughts of hospitals etc and hadn’t quite switched into student mode. That never fully happened today. The class was about deviance in terms of identity and society, which was fine and then Mental Health got brought into. How society needs to put you in a box and label you so that they can understand you, and that you aren’t really seen as people first etc. It went on like that for a little and I wanted to scream that “No, my mental health does not define me” but then I thought back to the morning and although I don’t think it defines me, the only reason that I get the support that I do, that I can access treatment is because someone once decided to put me in a couple of boxes. I kind of got a little bit sad about that, because forgetting the support element it’s something that even when I’m well it’s always going to be there and when I get unwell, then the stakes are always a little bit higher, you have a little less choice because you have been proven to be unreliable in the past in your thought patterns.
Another thing that I kept thinking throughout the day was that I can’t go back into acute care. I have burnt far too many bridges. Seriously I have spent the last few years campaigning, training and going into services and telling them everything that I have been doing wrong. I’ve built a character that is not automatically linked to me being a patient in the system. I can’t go back to that. It would be far too awkward.
Maybe if I say “I can’t let this happen” enough times then maybe that is what will happen.
It’s so hard not to let the Eating Disorder slip in. My world feels so out of my control right now, it feels too painful and the only way that I can begin to process that is by focusing on my weight, which is really shit when you can’t restrict in a reaction to that. I just watch myself, feel myself and it’s like my body is taking on a life of its own. I know it’s not real. I know that this is what happens…things get hard, my body image gets worse and I want to change that and make myself less, make myself feel less. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t work, it doesn’t change anything. Being a smaller size will not do anything to make this go away. It will make it worse, it will diminish my cognitive abilities and I won’t even be able to think my way out of this. Stupid damn disorder!