Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

It’s a little less dark in here

Some days I get completely lost in the world of Eating Disorders and I feel overwhelmed by the scale of suffering that exists. This disorder comes into our lives uninvited. It unravels our minds, destroys our bodies and tears apart our souls. It shows no mercy, it doesn’t know when to stop and no matter how much you fight back, it retaliates just as hard. Can I just not be done? Can this illness just cease to exist and leave people the hell alone? I hate the person that this has turned me into. I never wanted to be this person! This neurotic, obsessive, afraid of my own shadow kind of person that shrinks away from the light of day because I find myself and body offensive.

I want to just live my life. I want to get up and eat my meals and get my study on. I want to smile when something’s funny and cry when something’s sad and respond to my world appropriately. Not such a big ask right?

It’s making me feel like I’m swimming against the tide, I keep pushing and yet I don’t seem to be getting very far at the moment, only tiring myself out.

I worry I’m slipping behind in my classes and it’s not a position I’m very comfortable being in. I haven’t done hardly any work in weeks and it just keeps piling up, yet for some reason I feel so unmotivated. I sit myself down daily, prepare to tackle one of my assignments and then nothing…my mind goes blank! Not in the sense that I get distracted with thinking about or doing something else, nope. There is just nothing. I’m not sure how much time I’ve wasted by doing this lately, probably far too much to be able to handle if I knew. I need to be more motivated. I have to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself and pull it together and get on with it. I know this and its entirely infuriating!

Despite all this, thankfully my mood is not as dark as it was last week. It’s still low but all the more active destructive thoughts are not as intense. I don’t feel the need to self implode right this minute every minute of the day…which I think is a good thing. I did try to reach out some more to people but I think I’ve come to realise that people don’t actually want to know. They kind of want the truth, they want you to feel like you could talk to them about stuff but the thing is when it comes down to it, they don’t actually want to hear because they don’t know what to do with that kind if information. People don’t know what to do with honesty unless it’s tied up with a pretty little bow that says “but it’s all ok now”. Is that a tad too cynical? All I can think is that I’d rather be alone. I’d rather be who they want me to be and say what they expect me to say because that hurts a hell of a lot less than being just how I am and feeling as though that isn’t quite good enough or too awkward.

So that’s kind of my world right now. Feeling like a fake, kind of miserable but I’m not feeling as though it’s the end of the world at the moment. I can keep my shit together or at least in check. That’s all I need to be able to keep going, the slight shift, the thoughts that aren’t trying to trip me up or undo me. I will take that for now.

Take care of yourself people.

And yes I do realise how little this post makes sense or links very well between the paragraphs. My thoughts are tiny bit jumbled up. Forgive me?

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11 thoughts on “It’s a little less dark in here

  1. This post makes perfect sense to me. You’re not alone and there are people that you can talk to that do truly understand, right here at WP, and I am one of them. Please remember that. I hope your having a “better” day.:)

  2. I thought this was beautiful written and courageous! What a gift you have to be so transparent about the depth of the journey you are on. I live in the ed world so all of this makes perfect sense to me and my heart aches for you. Not out of pity but out of the simple fact that your ed has so blinded you that you cannot see the amazing wonderful person you are. A beautiful gift to this often broken world. But I get that cause for the life of me when I look in the mirror I cannot find that truth for myself either.
    I have often struggles with always being the strong one but when I break down and try to talk to others about my desperate wounds and need for help they simply do not know what to do with me. It is much easier to walk away and then I feel like I am a failure and a horrible person.
    All I can say is I hear your voice and though it may feel weak and jumbled … I hear it loud and clear. I see you and the struggle you are engaged in and wanted to encourage you to hold steady you can so this! You were born to bless the world and no one else can do that task that is uniquely yours! Fight on!

    1. Thank you so much for your words and for hearing me. This illness can be so devastating and repeatedly I have to remind myself that it is possible to rebuild. That a world free from this does exist. I hope that a day will arrive when you can look in the mirror and you know that all those negatives you see are not true too but based on a lie of a disorder that justs wants to keep you in its grip. Stay fighting this too!

  3. It makes sense to me. Especially what you say about not telling people the truth unless I can end with a “but it’s better now.” For some reason, I hardly ever tell my friends when I’m really down, only afterwards I might say “last week I wasn’t doing so well,” for example if I think I should apologize for something I did or said in that phase. I’m afraid I haven’t been giving people a fair chance to show whether they can handle that kind of information or not. I’ve even been told by a few people that it hurts them when they see that something is wrong but I won’t talk about it. Actually, whenever I did let people in, I’ve made positive experiences (often times in form of e-mails rather than in a direct exchange), so I don’t know why it’s still so hard for me, especially because being authentic is a very high value for me… But mostly I don’t even find the words, it’s like there’s some kind of blockage. Or there’ll be something else that keeps me from sharing my struggles, for example the impression that the other person might be to busy or have enough own problems… I think it’s something I need to learn and I’m working at it, I just wish it wouldn’t take so long. I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process, but I feel like I’m doing just that by shutting them out of my struggles.
    Oh well, I don’t know why I’m writing all this. It’s not even really a reply to what you wrote, it just came to my mind…

    1. You can write whatever comes to mind lovely. I think it’s a good thing when someone else’s writing can provoke something in our thinking.

      Learning to let people in is a long process because you are doing something that you have denied yourself to do for such a long time. I think its also a sekf esteem issue aswell as a trust thing. Often I have the thought that I am not worthy of being listened to or I don’t deserve other people caring about me and trying to help. Letting people in takes practice but you have to rememeber that keeping quiet is something that allowed you to become unwell and stay unwell. It protected the eating disorder but not you. We both have to remember that, that our silence only brought us to a lonely place that hurt us. X

      1. Thank you πŸ™‚ It is a long process indeed… It just doesn’t make sense that I have the impression that I don’t have the right to show when I feel bad in order to receive comfort, whereas I would encourage everyone else to do so, tell them that I am there for them no matter what (and mean it, at least to the best of my ability). I don’t even know where this idea comey from, that what cannot let that which I would wish for for everyone else count for me as well. Yes, I feel like I’m in that lonely place of silence right now, and it definitely hurts, almost physically. I’ve been there before, but at least this time I don’t feel the urge to lose weight in order to “communicate” that I’m unwell. Only, I haven’t really developed a better way yet, so I have none at all at the moment. Which is anything but nice, but at least I can tell myself that it is necessary to go through this in order to have a foundation for developing healthier ways of communicating my needs. (Ugh, how that sounds… I guess I don’t really like the idea of having needs at all, but of course I do, like everyone else. I just hate being dependent in any way.)

      2. You have no idea how many times I said the words “I don’t have any needs” and I applied to everything because having needs seemed somehow like I was showing a weakness. I had the same thing of it only applying to me though, but I think we do that…we have one rule for us and other rules for everybody else. Is it because we don’t respect ourselves as much as we respect other people? What I had to finally give in to was that I do have needs because I am a human being and that’s part of this thing we call life. We are not meant to live in isolation, attempting to be super human and dismissing anything that argues that we’re not. I hope you find something in you that helps you see that your voice is just as important as everybody elses. Your feelings and thoughts and needs are all valid. Learning to communicate is going to need you to feel uncomfortable for a bit but what change doesn’t make you feel like that in the beginning? Be patient with yourself and do not stop trying. x

      3. The hard part is to move from knowing all this to truly accepting it and allowing it to become true. I would say that I do respect myself, and I do know that it’s completely okay and normal to have needs, to have bad days, to be weak at times. I’m not sure why it doesn’t feel that way, maybe I need to prove that I am “special” by demonstrating (to myself most of all) that it’s not like this for me? I think I am putting myself under pressure because I know that I actually have the ability to handle stress pretty well, and because of this I always have to deal with it on my own, I don’t deserve the help of someone else unless I’m doing really really bad because someone else might be doing even worse and need the support more… Writing this down, it doesn’t seem to make any sense. Which is probably what it’s about: It doesn’t make sense because it’s not true. It just feels that way, for whichever reason, but it’s not true and so I don’t have to listen to it or act upon it.

      4. Even though you think it doesn’t make sense, it completely does. I understand what you mean but you are also right that it is not true, and that you do not have to listen or act on it. I’m glad you respect yourself, it’s a good place to build from. Practice saying out loud, even if its just to yourself that things aren’t ok if they aren’t and progress to letting other people know.

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