Some days I get completely lost in the world of Eating Disorders and I feel overwhelmed by the scale of suffering that exists. This disorder comes into our lives uninvited. It unravels our minds, destroys our bodies and tears apart our souls. It shows no mercy, it doesn’t know when to stop and no matter how much you fight back, it retaliates just as hard. Can I just not be done? Can this illness just cease to exist and leave people the hell alone? I hate the person that this has turned me into. I never wanted to be this person! This neurotic, obsessive, afraid of my own shadow kind of person that shrinks away from the light of day because I find myself and body offensive.
I want to just live my life. I want to get up and eat my meals and get my study on. I want to smile when something’s funny and cry when something’s sad and respond to my world appropriately. Not such a big ask right?
It’s making me feel like I’m swimming against the tide, I keep pushing and yet I don’t seem to be getting very far at the moment, only tiring myself out.
I worry I’m slipping behind in my classes and it’s not a position I’m very comfortable being in. I haven’t done hardly any work in weeks and it just keeps piling up, yet for some reason I feel so unmotivated. I sit myself down daily, prepare to tackle one of my assignments and then nothing…my mind goes blank! Not in the sense that I get distracted with thinking about or doing something else, nope. There is just nothing. I’m not sure how much time I’ve wasted by doing this lately, probably far too much to be able to handle if I knew. I need to be more motivated. I have to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself and pull it together and get on with it. I know this and its entirely infuriating!
Despite all this, thankfully my mood is not as dark as it was last week. It’s still low but all the more active destructive thoughts are not as intense. I don’t feel the need to self implode right this minute every minute of the day…which I think is a good thing. I did try to reach out some more to people but I think I’ve come to realise that people don’t actually want to know. They kind of want the truth, they want you to feel like you could talk to them about stuff but the thing is when it comes down to it, they don’t actually want to hear because they don’t know what to do with that kind if information. People don’t know what to do with honesty unless it’s tied up with a pretty little bow that says “but it’s all ok now”. Is that a tad too cynical? All I can think is that I’d rather be alone. I’d rather be who they want me to be and say what they expect me to say because that hurts a hell of a lot less than being just how I am and feeling as though that isn’t quite good enough or too awkward.
So that’s kind of my world right now. Feeling like a fake, kind of miserable but I’m not feeling as though it’s the end of the world at the moment. I can keep my shit together or at least in check. That’s all I need to be able to keep going, the slight shift, the thoughts that aren’t trying to trip me up or undo me. I will take that for now.
Take care of yourself people.
And yes I do realise how little this post makes sense or links very well between the paragraphs. My thoughts are tiny bit jumbled up. Forgive me?