I’ve been holding off writing for the last couple of days because I wanted my next post to be a little bit more positive than the last few entries. I wanted to be able to say that things are picking up for me, it was just a brief flirtation with despair but I’ve moved past it now. It’s done and I’ve come out stronger and ready to go. Only I can’t. It’s not better, my thoughts are getting screwed up so that they come out all tangled and wrong. There are so many ideas ricocheting around my brain as to how I can make this pain stop and none of them are very pretty or appealing. I’m trying to escape when there is nowhere to escape to. I feel alone and yet I continue to shut people out and I don’t know what that’s about. I just don’t particularly want anyone near me who gives a shit because that will make all this so much worse. When it’s just me sinking that’s one thing, but having to watch someone else watch me sink and them knowing that there isn’t a thing they can do, it’s just too much.
I actually considered calling someone in my care team today, but then I remembered that that isn’t what I do and I wouldn’t even know what to say. I know that my CPN would not have said anything remotely helpful because so far in all our other sessions that tends to be the trend. I didn’t want to call my therapist because somehow I feel like she already has enough patients and me calling her up is just eating in to her time, even though she told me to call her if I needed to. I couldn’t. There is always something stopping me from reaching out, it has always been my down fall, probably pride. I leave it and leave it and then boom! I fall like a house of cards. I’m seeing her Friday. I can make myself wait till then. I can keep it together till then. I have to.
My classes are helping, they give me something else to focus on but it’s harder to grasp the concepts. My mind isn’t as clear as I’d like it to be…yet I don’t talk to anyone all day. There are hundreds of students all around me and yet I feel like a ghost and so unsubstantial. I tell myself that it doesn’t bother me but how can it not? I’m not used to finding it hard to talk to people…I’m used to being one of those people that put in most circumstances will find someone to talk to and relate to. I know I’m not the only one that feels like this but that thought doesn’t bring me much comfort right now.
One interesting thing did happen today though. I’m giving my old laptop to my parents and little brother so was going through the hard drive, saving what I needed to and deleting the rest. I found a couple of video entries that I made last year, not for a blog or anything, just for me. One of them was me talking to the future me. In it I said that I was at the point of still not letting go of the Eating Disorder and that I can’t have both worlds, that I’m losing weight and my body isn’t handling it too well and that my body doesn’t function at that BMI. I talk about how crappy it all is and how I hope more than anything I am finding this video again now that I am ready to commit to recovery because it’s the only way that I was going to get better, When I give myself over to it completely. There were a few other things and I might transcribe it at some point. How can so little in terms of my mind set have changed in a year? I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to be still saying the same thing next year. I’m stalling at the moment and I want to at least keep that stable, but I know that the less I push myself the more likely I am to let things slide and then it’s harder to stop isn’t it?
I think it’s probably reaching the point where I need to sit down and have some serious talks with people isn’t it?
I hope your days are treating you well and I will keep looking for a way through this, even if it’s just so that I have something good to tell you guys.