I see myself closing down little by little and it’s one of those slow motion kind of images that plays along to the soundtrack of my voice screaming no, but there is nothing to be done, the no is just a sound, not an actual demand. My phone rings and yet I cannot bring myself to answer it, I cannot bear to hear my own voice because I’m afraid that I won’t recognise it. I didn’t go to group this week and I failed to go to the unit this morning…I didn’t want to, didn’t want to sit there in tears whilst I try to explain something that I cannot even make myself understand. My therapist wanted to talk when I called to cancel and we ended up having a session over the phone. I guess when not faced with someone right there I could finally admit to not being so great. The shame was less because yes…there is still shame. I know there shouldn’t be and I do enough campaigning to change that but when it comes to me, when I begin to struggle this way, I do feel very ashamed. I think I should be better than this, I should be fine and not struggling, I should be stronger, pull myself together…So many ‘shoulds’ and ridiculous clichés.
I’ve been going to my classes, trying to get lost in the work I have to do and it does help. Gives me a focus, gives me a reason to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other…yet I cannot master the social side. I drift in and out of buildings on campus and barely say a sentence all day. I avoid eye contact, pretend I don’t see, look for an escape the moment I do find myself in the company of others. Sometimes I hate it, the fact that I don’t have a single friend in Uni, but then I try to console myself with the fact that I do have friends outside of this environment and my only interest is getting my head down and earning my degree. Sometimes it works and sometimes I want to cry over my coffee.
Food is…The Eating Disorder wants me back. I can feel it calling out to me, using every manipulative tactic in the book or just slinging abuse at me. It’s this horrible little parasite which I know is no good for me and yet I still feel a little bit swayed every now and again. I just have to eat. That’s all I am doing at the moment. I’m doing it even when I don’t want to, even when I’m not hungry, even when everything is screaming at me not to. I know what my body needs to get it from A to B. I know what is enough to keep me standing and what isn’t. I just have to listen to that.