I am living in a state of half and half at the moment and it’s the one place I never wanted to be. Back when I started this journey, when I held my hands up and said ‘Ok, let’s do this recovery thing’, the one place I did not want to be in was this. I either wanted to stay sick or I wanted to be completely better. The middle held no appeal for me what-so-ever. My head and body are at complete odds and as more time passes they each go further in the opposite direction. I continue to maintain/gain and make myself eat and yet the voices are getting louder, the sadness is getting stronger. I am guessing that this is a part of the process of recovery that everyone must go through, but bloody hell…I think it’s been going on long enough now. I realise though that I can’t back down now. I can’t throw a temper tantrum or saw screw it and allow myself to get so frustrated about the fact that I’m not where I want to be that I start to undo everything that I have done. That would be entirely pointless and the truth of the matter is is that it will only lead to one place and I would only have to start all over again.
I went to see a friend yesterday who is currently in the hospital because of her Eating Disorder and it was huge reminder that no matter how many times a person goes back to their disorder the outcome will always be the same. It won’t be different this time. You won’t reach the number that’s going to make you happy, you won’t know when to stop and it won’t fix you. It won’t heal you in the way that you want to be healed. These past few days I’ve been telling myself that this is all too much and that for now whilst things are so shitty it would be perfectly acceptable to let things slide and let the Anorexia back in a little. I think there was this hope running through me that said I needed it to act as a buffer for some time between me and the world. Only it wouldn’t just be a buffer would it? It would be human sized cage in lockdown. I have to stop building and inhabiting these prisons.
It’s a new day and so I am going to try to figure out how to get from start to finish in a way that is going to be the kindest to me. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but if I am considerate of myself then maybe it will be fine. We will see.
I’m sending out some positive energy today so have a good day x