It’s getting pretty dark over here and I’m not sure how to reign it back in. I keep thinking what it would be like to just disappear, just step off the face of the planet for a little while and come back when I know that I no longer run the risk of having some kind of breakdown. I am becoming too focused on my own destruction, remembering it with an air of nostalgia and it’s a little bit (ok…a lot) unsettling. I can tell myself that it wasn’t better but when everything seems so unbelievably painful it is easier to think of a time when I didn’t care at all. It’s not that I specifically want to be that wreckless or put myself in harm’s way but there is something disturbingly seductive about self-imploding. It’s that internal collapse of everything that only you can feel and you feel it physically but no one else can see it, no one else even knows about it unless you explode. I wouldn’t explode because I would not be able to tolerate the shame that I would feel or be able to deal with being looked at in the way that people used to look at me. I don’t want to be that person again, locked up, unable to hold a conversation, driving myself up the walls as I look for any method of escape. It’s the desperation that frightens me the most, a need so acute that I do not care what I sacrifice to fulfil it, and boy did I pay for them. I sold my morals, my respect and my freedom. I’m only just getting those back. I’m only just starting to believe that I am worth more than crawling through random streets in the night and expecting…accepting whatever happens to me.
I’m not sure where to turn to…people ask me how I am and I am honest and say that I’m struggling a little (only I think I only say that because of the expectation of my role to be truthful about mental health) but I am so dismissive at the same time. I smile or laugh it off as soon as the words leave me lips or I change the conversation completely and lead the conversation back to the other person. I tried to talk to my CPN but she was entirely unhelpful, she made a few triggering comments about the Eating Disorder and then told me that she wasn’t that worried because I was still getting to my classes and continuing with my work. On the one hand I’m relieved that she thinks that and it allows me to not have to deal with it…yet on the other hand that shred of self-preservation I have left is screaming that ‘no, it’s not ok. I know my patterns and I know where this is leading. I’ve been through this enough times to recognise that I have found myself on some spiralling slope that will only get worse and further away from any concept of reality’.
Whilst this is all happening, my recovery motivation is slipping. I’m becoming more sensitive to triggers and although my food has not taken a complete hit and my weight is stable, the thoughts are making my head spin. My body image is at the point where I have to physically hold myself still to stop me from lashing out at my body and reflection. It hurts to know that I still have to eat because there isn’t another option. Sure I could just stop…but that would only lead to hospital or death and neither of those outcomes is really an option. I’ve been thinking about why I have found weight gain so hard and I think it’s because I’ve never believed that I needed to gain weight. It’s hard to make myself eat more when I honest to god don’t feel like I look like I need to. If I looked thin than maybe it would be easier to gain weight. I was watching something the other day and they were talking about distorted body image and I just found myself saying ‘I would know if I had a distorted body image, how could I not know?’ ‘It’s not that I just see someone too big, I am too big and that isn’t in my mind’. Thinking about it now, I’m still not sure. Logically I know it’s distorted but I just don’t believe it.
Ok, well I am going to stop complaining to you now world and I apologise for my current lack of positivity. I’m hoping that things start to change and I do have a lot of good things planned for this week, maybe they will help. I am trying to keep a grip on a little bit of hope, it’s hard but I am trying.