Is anyone else bored of their Eating Disorder? Bored of hating themselves? Crying to themselves? Beating up on themselves?
It’s now been god knows how many days since I have felt even remotely ok and it’s getting on my nerves. I know that I’m impatient, that I should just ride it out and it will naturally pass but it feels like I’ve spent my whole life waiting. Waiting for it to stop hurting, to get over something or to just feel better. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of watching my life slip by me whilst I sit there and feel even more powerless with every minute that crawls by. I want out! I don’t mean out of life…I mean out of the battle. I want it to be over. I don’t want to torture myself anymore or lose any more hours belittling myself in front of the bedroom mirror. I want the scales to not matter and for food to just be food. I want to be 10 years old again when I ate half a pizza and felt proud rather than ashamed. Damn it! I just want to have pizza in my life again.
No one tells you that you can’t just have a brief flirtation with an Eating Disorder, at least not until it’s too late and you have already fallen headfirst into a world that isn’t as pretty as you thought it would be. I’m not sure that I would have even listened if they had of told me. I was one of those that believed that I could have my disorder (although not call it that), lose weight and stop when I reached the weight that I wanted to be. I would know and I wouldn’t let it get out of hand. Only I didn’t know and refused to see and by the time it started to click that maybe I had a little bit of problem I couldn’t let it go on my own even if I wanted to. So I stalled and I let it get worse and I kept feeding myself with lies. “I can’t stop because I’m not there”. I guess thought that when I reached that “magical number” then the Eating Disorder would just let me go, it would release me in a way as though it was telling me “You’re ok now. Go live your life”
It’s only now with hindsight that I can see how unrealistic that point of view. It is only now when I would do anything to be free that I understand that it’s not going to happen like that. I didn’t realise that I was entering some form of war that didn’t follow any rule or law or forms of surrender when I began this. I believed in something and it was the wrong thing to believe in. I should have been believing in myself. I know that I have to stop being angry at myself for allowing this to happen at some point. It happened. I have to stop being so pissed at that fact. I have to stop.
I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want it to stop.