Some days I think I’m getting better or that I’m getting stronger and I see just how boring and limiting the Eating Disorder is. At one point I regarded food as an inconvenience, something I didn’t want to deal with but I am beginning to understand that that isn’t right or quite true. The Eating Disorder is the inconvenience, it is that that I don’t want to deal with anymore. I wish I could turn my brain off from it, say to it “You don’t matter. I matter. Living matters.” and yet when I find myself in a standoff with it, it has this power to intimidate me into backing down. I try to rebel against it but not enough to piss if off completely. I still hold it too close. I feel it sitting in my chest, clawing away at me until I cannot bear it anymore, till I do whatever I can to make it happy. I am not one that is able to personify the ED as such but when I try to explain this I come close to it because that is what it feels like. It’s as though something is living and breathing inside of me, it’s in my heart and veins, it’s in my mind and every time I try to wound it, it heals itself and comes looking for revenge.
Am I giving it too much power?
Despite that, there are good things happening in my world though right now and I am trying to hold on to those. I am trying to validate myself by those things rather than the number on the scale or the reflection in the mirror. I got 1sts on 3 of my essays and I’m still waiting for the other. I’m back in classes on Monday and I can’t wait for that. I have so much training and volunteer work to do this week which always keeps me pretty happy and I also have a meeting about an idea I had in terms of healthcare here. I’m hoping they are going to say yes to it.
I also booked my plane tickets to Italy!!! I cannot believe that we actually did it. It has been my dream to go for so long, to spend the days looking at amazing things, eating wonderful food and falling completely in love with somewhere new. I have worked my butt off for this and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. I’m not going till June so I have 5 months to get my Eating Disorder under control and start moving things from the unsafe list. I will not go and be physically too weak to not enjoy it and I am certainly not going to go and refuse to eat. I want this and it’s a huge motivator for me to get my shit together.
Because I’ll be truthful, despite all my attempts at challenges they have been lacking. Only doing things once and then not doing them again, compensating at the next meal or with my snacks. I’ve been trying to fool myself into believing that it was ok to do that, but I know that it’s not. I knew that it wasn’t ok when I spent hours in utter panic because the only yoghurt I felt safe with has been discontinued. Really!! It’s a yoghurt. I think I just need to be more honest with myself in the moments because being honest in reflection is a lot easier. It’s when stuff gets tough that it becomes almost impossible to look at what you’re doing critically and recognise that you are listening more to the Eating Disorder than yourself. I’ve talked about it though and I hope that by saying it out loud I will somehow make myself more accountable to what I’m doing. We will see…I have my next challenge tomorrow.
So that was my week…
I hope the day has been good to you.