My days are speeding back up again and I am so unbelievably relieved. I was getting worried for a moment there, that all that empty time would get the better of me and cause everything to collapse. Thankfully it didn’t get to that point and now that I am being productive rather than staring into space and wallowing in a pool of self-pity my mood has started to improve slightly. It’s not where I want it to be but for now I’ll just be ok with it…or at least try to be.
The new semester starts next week and I can’t wait for it to begin. I was at the Uni today doing some teaching/training for some student nurses and it just heightened my need to get back into the classroom, get back to engaging my brain into something interesting. Although admittedly today was pretty good. Sometimes when I’m doing training I can see that there is a positive consequence to what I went through, that maybe all that time in hospital wasn’t a complete waste or all for nothing. If I can use what I know in order to change how mental health services are delivered or raise awareness about mental health problems in general then it makes it seem more ok.
The thing is though that I didn’t go through anything particularly extraordinary, there are people going through it all the time all over the world. I think I just got tired though of not saying anything. One of the things that happened to me when I was unwell was that I lost my voice, I felt like I couldn’t have an opinion, I couldn’t challenge and I didn’t have the right to make any decisions about what was happening to me. The silence that I wrapped myself in at that time was quite sad when I think about it now. How did I ever develop such a low opinion of myself? So now, whenever I have to opportunity to say something then I do. Usually it is received pretty well and it kind of does make me smile a little when I see that the people I am talking to begin to grasp that I am not this terrifying image of crazy person, but just a woman in her twenties who is trying to get on with her life, who isn’t really that different to them. Whenever I do these things, the most common reaction I get is “But you don’t look like you have mental health problems” and I get it, they have this idea in their heads about what I should look like and I don’t quite match up to that, not many people can or do.
After today’s session I called into the library and then attempted to manoeuver myself towards the bus stop with an armful of books and on the way I ran into someone who I did some training with last week. It was one of those awkward conversations where you don’t really know what to say but she ended up telling me what an inspiration I was and I should be really proud of how far I’ve come. It was just a really nice thing to say. After we said goodbye I went and caught the bus with a little smile on my face.
I’m feeling a little wobbly about food but there is a quiet determination in my today and so I need to choose this weeks challenge and I have no idea what I want to try. I have a list but at the moment everything on that list is kind of terrifying and I’m pretty sure there are plenty of things that I have missed off. The thing is by the time I went into recovery I had passed that point where you think about food all the time and you begin to have no idea about what food is out there, it’s like you’ve forgotten that there is food that exists that is beyond what is on your safe list. I need some ideas, so if you have any then please let me know. Thank you.
I hope your day has been good to you.