“You don’t look that underweight. You’re just naturally slim so don’t try to force gaining weight so much because it’s going to be hard…besides I know plenty of people who are the same size as you and control their diet and they’ve never been anywhere near eating disorder services.”
– Said by my CPN (Community Psychiatric nurse) yesterday.
I’ll be honest, it did upset me way more than it should have done. Here I am working my ass off to gain weight, hating myself and my body in the process, twisting myself up into knots thinking I need to and yet it turns out that I don’t. I know she was trying to help me and that her thoughts did come from a good place but sometimes it just really sucks to be triggered when you’re already feeling like a piece of crap. I’m not sure how the rest of my appointment went after that, it was as though I’d shut down, something inside of me had left the room and I wasn’t able to make it come back. All I could think was that she was right. I don’t need to gain weight. I can stay here, hell…I could even probably get away with losing a few pounds. After she’d left, it was just me and my eating disorder getting ready to go head to head. The conversation was as followed:
Me: She’s wrong
ED: Nope she’s not wrong. She just told you there was nothing wrong with you. You can stop now. Stop making us gain weight!
Me: But I’m not at target
ED: Screw target. It’s not important, it’s not worth it.
ED: Stop eating. You’re disgusting. Why are you still going to the ED unit? Your clearly not unwell. Your not thin. You don’t deserve help. Let someone who actually needs help have your spot. Think of the girl from the other week who got refused treatment because she was slightly over the required weight. She could have been getting help if you weren’t so selfish!
ED: No. You will stop gaining weight. You will restrict. You will stop fighting me because you won’t win.
It was horrible. It’s always horrible but it was especially that day. I felt like such a fraud and an inconvenience. I didn’t particularly want to leave the house afterwards, be seen in public or go to my appointment at the unit and be weighed.
I did go.
And at first I didn’t say much. What could I say? I was in my opinion irrationally upset and felt ridiculous for feeling that way. I couldn’t verbalise anything that had been going on for me in the last week because my mind felt like it was in quicksand. In the end she asked me what I wasn’t telling her and I told her.
And she told me that my CPN was wrong. That however well-intentioned she was, she was wrong. I need to gain weight. I need to be healthy and strong and keep working to get to where I want to be. I know the weight I’m at now is not my set point, it doesn’t naturally fall here when I am not engaging in behaviours. I’m not built that way and neither is any of my family. Also, I don’t care about other people who keep their weight in check. THIS IS NOT A DIET. This is an illness…a soul sucking-leave you scared and alone-deadly and destructive disorder! If I was fine then I wouldn’t be having these thoughts, I wouldn’t be thinking the way that I am and trying to find a justification why I can go back to losing weight as though that will be a cure for what’s wrong.
I did feel a little more like I was able to breathe afterwards. Had a little bit more of a renewed focus. On the way back I saw this girl who I was in treatment with before walking round the grounds and I realised how much I didn’t want to be her, didn’t want to be anywhere near the risk of going back to being an inpatient again.
I can’t say that I wasn’t shaken for the rest of the day or that I haven’t been today…because I have. I spent over an hour wandering from shop to shop today trying to find something for lunch. The mirror still makes me want to cry. My mood is still not getting any better and I worry that if I let it drop any further it could become more of a problem then I can handle. Hopefully though because my schedule is picking up this week I might be able to work my way through it.
This might hurt but I have to hope that it will get better. I have to remember that things have changed for me and that going back will only hurt me more.
Tomorrow is a challenge day. I’m going to do it because I have to stop being so afraid of food. I’m going to do it because it is just food…and I’m also going to do it because I want to be well more than I want the eating disorder.
I hope your weeks kicked off well for you.