Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

This round goes to me.

The Eating Disorder is screaming at me to come back. It is offering up every damn promise under the sun if I bend to its will again. It says “I will make you love yourself. I will give you a peaceful state of mind. I will save you from yourself”. Oh…how I wish those words were true right now, that all that feels wrong could be fixed with skipped meals and shrinking myself. What nonsense it all is! How did I ever make the leap that weighing less was the answer to every possible situation out there in the universe? I wanted to believe something so badly that everything else was eradicated, including my survival instincts. I learnt to believe lies. The reality is though, my weight has no impact on who I am. It’s not going to put right what is wrong. It is not going to do anything other than leave me weak and tired. So in theory, if I can make myself believe one thing than surely I am more than capable of turning it around and believing something else?

I know now that no matter how loud the eating disorder may be, my voice is getting stronger. If it wasn’t I would have given into it already. I would have already started missing my meals and convinced myself that I don’t need all that I am having. Yet I’m not. I’m not comfortable but I’m still eating my meals, still challenging myself, still “feeling the fear and doing it anyway”. I know I still have a way to go. I would like to at some point be able to think about my body without feeling like someone is kicking me in the stomach or that my skin is something that I want to climb out of…but I realise those things are only going to come with time and perseverance.

I challenged a fear food today and nothing terrible happened. I also had to have a white wrap with dinner rather than wholemeal and it was a meal that I wasn’t cooking…and guess what? Nothing terrible happened. Did it feel like my heart was going to stop at any point? Yes. Did it stop? No. So I can either feel guilty and beat myself up for having those things or I can be proud of myself for not letting the eating disorder talk me out of avoiding them. I’m choosing to be proud of myself!

It’s been a rough week for me and I am hoping that either my mood breaks, I burn myself out from all that self-hate or my period starts (because that would make a lot of things make sense). It’s getting hard to drown out the anorexic voice and I don’t want it to win this round…

Now I’m going to go find things to distract myself with. I hope you’re having a lovely Saturday.
Oh and I got my hair fixed today so that’s definitely a good thing!

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2 thoughts on “This round goes to me.

  1. Good choice, to be proud of yourself rather than guilty! You can be even more proud of yourself for taking on this perspective =)

    Glad you got your hair fixed πŸ˜‰ I hope you actually like it now. I remember several times I really made a big deal out of not liking my hairstyle. I didn’t want to be superficial, but as I had to see it every time I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t just forget it, either. And not too long ago I had to have a lot cut off; what bothered me most was not the way it looked (I got used to it after a while and now I actually like it more than te hair cut I had before), but the fact that everyone thought I had wanted it to be so much shorter, when in reality it was because my hair was so damaged… Anyway, it’s better now.

    I hope your next week is less rough on you than the past one!!! πŸ™‚

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