The Eating Disorder is screaming at me to come back. It is offering up every damn promise under the sun if I bend to its will again. It says “I will make you love yourself. I will give you a peaceful state of mind. I will save you from yourself”. Oh…how I wish those words were true right now, that all that feels wrong could be fixed with skipped meals and shrinking myself. What nonsense it all is! How did I ever make the leap that weighing less was the answer to every possible situation out there in the universe? I wanted to believe something so badly that everything else was eradicated, including my survival instincts. I learnt to believe lies. The reality is though, my weight has no impact on who I am. It’s not going to put right what is wrong. It is not going to do anything other than leave me weak and tired. So in theory, if I can make myself believe one thing than surely I am more than capable of turning it around and believing something else?
I know now that no matter how loud the eating disorder may be, my voice is getting stronger. If it wasn’t I would have given into it already. I would have already started missing my meals and convinced myself that I don’t need all that I am having. Yet I’m not. I’m not comfortable but I’m still eating my meals, still challenging myself, still “feeling the fear and doing it anyway”. I know I still have a way to go. I would like to at some point be able to think about my body without feeling like someone is kicking me in the stomach or that my skin is something that I want to climb out of…but I realise those things are only going to come with time and perseverance.
I challenged a fear food today and nothing terrible happened. I also had to have a white wrap with dinner rather than wholemeal and it was a meal that I wasn’t cooking…and guess what? Nothing terrible happened. Did it feel like my heart was going to stop at any point? Yes. Did it stop? No. So I can either feel guilty and beat myself up for having those things or I can be proud of myself for not letting the eating disorder talk me out of avoiding them. I’m choosing to be proud of myself!
It’s been a rough week for me and I am hoping that either my mood breaks, I burn myself out from all that self-hate or my period starts (because that would make a lot of things make sense). It’s getting hard to drown out the anorexic voice and I don’t want it to win this round…
Now I’m going to go find things to distract myself with. I hope you’re having a lovely Saturday.
Oh and I got my hair fixed today so that’s definitely a good thing!