I know I was a little hysterical last night and maybe over the top and I wish I could say that any of it has been better today but it hasn’t.
I got up and it took me 2 and a half hours to get dressed. I’m not sure how many items of clothing I pulled out of my wardrobe and tried on before throwing them across the room. I then attempted to do something with the hair and nothing worked, if anything it looks even worse today and I couldn’t look in the mirror for too long because every time I did I just started crying.
At breakfast, I just sat and cried into my porridge because it seemed too hard, like that was the reason for why I felt so crap. If you can’t blame anything else, blame the food right? I did leave the house shortly after to see a friend who I haven’t seen in a while and he said he was worried, that he hasn’t seen me like this in such a long time. I didn’t know what to do with that information because I couldn’t lie to him and say it was nothing. It did help seeing him though, he gets it…he’s seen me through some of the most difficult periods of my life, when I wouldn’t allow anyone else to get close to me and the great thing is that he doesn’t try to make it better, he just accepts that sometimes things are just shit and that’s it.
I got home and got changed (again) and made my lunch and tried not to think. I can’t let my food go because if I let it slip, it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder to get it back on track. Besides I’m due to start the new semester in a couple of weeks. I need to have energy. I am trying to persevere.
The afternoon has been rather unproductive, although did go get a new washing machine. My broke yesterday which really made my day amazing. I’ve made arrangements to meet my mum’s stylist on Monday evening in the desperate hope she may be able to salvage something of my hair and at least make it presentable. In the meantime I just have to keep going, don’t I?
Giving up is always an option, but it doesn’t really feel like one. The consequences are too steep, the fallout too big. I’m going to stop thinking that changing the outside is going to change me on the inside. That thinking is wrong, untrue and just a downright lie. Stupid distorted body image, why won’t you leave me the hell alone? Unless you’re not distorted and actually true…I have the capacity to run myself in circles with this thinking so I should probably just stop before it gets out of control.
I hope the day has been good to you.