I need to have a conversation with you guys because I’m freaking out over here.
I can’t tolerate my body. It’s too hard. It’s too painful. I can’t get comfortable in my skin and I am so self-conscious right now. I thought I would go get my hair done this morning and that was going to make me feel better because it usually does, but no! My hairdresser has been doing my hair since I was in my teens, I trust him and he has never given me a bad cut except for today. He was a little too scissor happy and I have come away with something resembling a bob. My face does not do well with bobs, I can’t pull it off and all that has happened is that my face now looks twice the size to what it did this morning and that was already ridiculously big. I hate it…and I hate myself for getting so upset about something so ridiculous and trivial. I know I’m not just crying over the fact that my hair looks shit and it’s about how I feel about myself, which again is probably about something else. I don’t know and right now I don’t care.
The only answer I have right now is to go back to losing weight. Strip everything back. Lose the weight that seems too much…only I know I can’t go back. I don’t know how to get through this. I’d forgotten how it felt to hate this intensely and feel this deeply before.
I know hair grows and it will grow back…but I’m still going to be gaining weight. That still has to happen so how do I handle that?
Why is this such a big fucking deal?
Ok rant now over and I’m sorry if I sound like a prat right now. I’m just struggling.