Eating Disorder Recovery

I am too much and I cannot cope.

I need to have a conversation with you guys because I’m freaking out over here.
I can’t tolerate my body. It’s too hard. It’s too painful. I can’t get comfortable in my skin and I am so self-conscious right now. I thought I would go get my hair done this morning and that was going to make me feel better because it usually does, but no! My hairdresser has been doing my hair since I was in my teens, I trust him and he has never given me a bad cut except for today. He was a little too scissor happy and I have come away with something resembling a bob. My face does not do well with bobs, I can’t pull it off and all that has happened is that my face now looks twice the size to what it did this morning and that was already ridiculously big. I hate it…and I hate myself for getting so upset about something so ridiculous and trivial. I know I’m not just crying over the fact that my hair looks shit and it’s about how I feel about myself, which again is probably about something else. I don’t know and right now I don’t care.

The only answer I have right now is to go back to losing weight. Strip everything back. Lose the weight that seems too much…only I know I can’t go back. I don’t know how to get through this. I’d forgotten how it felt to hate this intensely and feel this deeply before.

I know hair grows and it will grow back…but I’m still going to be gaining weight. That still has to happen so how do I handle that?

Why is this such a big fucking deal?

Ok rant now over and I’m sorry if I sound like a prat right now. I’m just struggling.

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7 thoughts on “I am too much and I cannot cope.

  1. You don’t sound like a prat at all. The most important thing to remember is that recovery is teaching us that loosing weight is no longer a coping mechanism like we used to think. It won’t make things easier and I won’t make things better. It will only make life 10 times harder. The best thing you can do is just stick to your plan of recovery. For the time being, thats priority πŸ™‚ Keep fighting, you can do it xxx

  2. Definitely don’t a prat. It’s completely understandable you would feel upset, I know I would if a hair dresser cut too much off my hair or I didn’t like it. I agree with above comment, even though you’re unhappy with how you look, weight loss won’t help. Is there an option to go back and have him fit it? Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time ❀️

    1. I know weight loss won’t help and I have to stop thinking it will. I’m just not sure how to make that a reality. I’m not going back to him, but I am planning on seeing my mum’s hairdresser to see if she can fix it. Thank you for your words x

  3. He may be able to improve it. I mean, if it’s anything like the kind of bob I’m imagining, he could at least change it’s shape around your face… hair anxiety is terrible. I’m certified to do hair but never worked in the industry because I know how easy it is to make someone miserable for weeks with the wrong snip. It will grow. Chances are it doesn’t look near as bad as it seems, if that means anything. :/

    1. Thanks πŸ™‚ I’m going to try style it differently today and see if that makes any difference. The style is fine, it just doesn’t suit my face. I don’t want to go back because I just wouldn’t feel right and I don’t want him to cut anymore of the length off. I think that’s my biggest issue, I didn’t want it this short and the only thing to do with that is be patient whilst it grows. Thanks, it probably doesn’t look that bad and it more likely to be telling of how I feel about myself right now rather than anything else.

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