The month of January has got to be one of the unkindest and most triggering months that exists for those who are trying to recover from an eating disorder. Every where I look, everything I read or listen to has something to do with weight loss, diet or fitness. Every year it’s the same, we are told that we are not enough or too much, that we must improve, be stronger, thinner, fitter, leaner…and in response we agree. We hate ourselves, we hate our bodies and we are willing to give everything we possess in order to be a copied version of a manufactured image. What right do we have to dare believe that who we are already is enough?
I am trying not to pay attention to the obsession. Trying not to compare the size of my stomach to that of the airbrushed model or read the article alongside it which tells me that I too can have a flat stomach in just six easy moves. It’s fairly do-able when I’m at home and I have the power to just skip the page or turn the tv channel…but out there…it creeps in and the eating disorder part of my brains lights up like Blackpool illuminations. The worst place for it though at the moment is with the family. Next week my mother is going back to slimming world and I’ll admit that I am nervous about it because I know how obsessive she got the last time. I’ve asked her to not talk to me about it because I don’t want to know. I’m not strong enough to handle it, it’s not healthy or helpful for me right now. My recovery is precarious at the best of times and yes…I do get jealous. I get jealous that I have to gain weight whilst she gets to lose it. The irrational part of my brain wants to act like a child and say that it’s not fair but I know that’s ridiculous so I’m trying not to indulge in it. Also my sister seems to have jumped on a similar mission. I met up with her yesterday at my parents house and she produced a package of slimming pills that had just arrived in the mail. Is she serious? She starts telling me about her friend who takes them and swears they work, and that she’s already had one that morning and she doesn’t feel hungry at all. During lunch (or my lunch because no one else wanted to eat), she stood in the mirror making comments on her stomach and then took a ‘before’ photo on her phone. I then spent the rest of the day with her and my mum visiting family out of town. On the way back I was frustrated and tired and it wasn’t getting any better as I sat and watched her throwing slimming fruit candies in her mouth. When we finally got back into town I jumped out of her car, got into my own car and came home. Her and my Mum were going out for dinner and I just really wasn’t in the mood at that point.
Today has been horrible, I’ve been home, doing nothing productive and I don’t like that. My body image sucks, my anxiety is ridiculous right now and I just need this day and month to be over.
I can’t wait to get back into the office tomorrow and out of my head space.