Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

My body needs fat

“I may have bad body image today but I have a stronger body”

I have lost count of the amount of times I have said those words to myself today. They came to me this morning as once again I tried to keep my cool with the mirror and not put my fist through it. Are you impressed with how long it has actually managed to stay intact? I am. So instead of getting pissed at the size of (insert random body part) I kept thinking to myself, ‘it’s fine…so what if your (insert body part) is bigger, it means you can do a million things you couldn’t do before’. I demand more from my body the further I move away from starvation and start living my life again and that requires muscle, bone density and yes…fat. My body needs fat. It needs it to protect my organs so I can live. It needs it so that it has an energy source and my body can continue to heal and repair itself. It needs it so I can stay warm when the winter is so horrible. I may not like it. I am allowed to hate it. It doesn’t matter though, because I still need it.

Wow. To say those words is new to me, in fact to even think them is something I’ve never done before, but I have to find some way to be able to accept my changing shape and I’m pretty much prepared to try anything at this point. The distress that I get myself into over the weight gain is overwhelming at times and I can not continue doing it to myself, it’s far too exhausting. Last night I pulled up in front of my house after going to the shop and suddenly from no where I just fell apart in the car. I cried, asked, pleaded and then begged for some higher power to make it all stop. Even now I am still stunned that I let myself get so upset over how I see myself. This morning the night before lingered and I considered going back to bed, pulling the covers over my head and refusing to let anyone ever see me again. I didn’t. I got up, dressed, repeated those little words as I pulled on layers of clothing, covering up everything that for some reason I have grown to hate and I got myself into the office. What a relief that was. Getting back to work, talking about the projects coming up, interacting with other human beings rather than just being trapped in my head finally put a smile on my face. I know that I could lose it if I don’t maintain my recovery. I could go back to being stuck in the house with no energy to even make a phone call and that thought terrifies me. Just these last few weeks of not being busy has been more than I could bare at times and I cannot go back to all that dead and empty time. Clearly it doesn’t suit me. I don’t want to go back to that. I won’t.

So yes my body image may be somewhere as low down as the inner circles of hell right now, but I have a stronger body that stretches and moves and gets me from A to B. If I could just hold on to that thought then I think I may be able to weather this out.

Also…my Mum’s ok 🙂

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2 thoughts on “My body needs fat

    1. Some of it was simply anaemia which can be fixed easily enough, but in terms of the headaches he thinks it’s some form of neuralgia. She’ll be going back in a couple of weeks to see him to see what to do about that. Thanks for asking 🙂

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