“I may have bad body image today but I have a stronger body”
I have lost count of the amount of times I have said those words to myself today. They came to me this morning as once again I tried to keep my cool with the mirror and not put my fist through it. Are you impressed with how long it has actually managed to stay intact? I am. So instead of getting pissed at the size of (insert random body part) I kept thinking to myself, ‘it’s fine…so what if your (insert body part) is bigger, it means you can do a million things you couldn’t do before’. I demand more from my body the further I move away from starvation and start living my life again and that requires muscle, bone density and yes…fat. My body needs fat. It needs it to protect my organs so I can live. It needs it so that it has an energy source and my body can continue to heal and repair itself. It needs it so I can stay warm when the winter is so horrible. I may not like it. I am allowed to hate it. It doesn’t matter though, because I still need it.
Wow. To say those words is new to me, in fact to even think them is something I’ve never done before, but I have to find some way to be able to accept my changing shape and I’m pretty much prepared to try anything at this point. The distress that I get myself into over the weight gain is overwhelming at times and I can not continue doing it to myself, it’s far too exhausting. Last night I pulled up in front of my house after going to the shop and suddenly from no where I just fell apart in the car. I cried, asked, pleaded and then begged for some higher power to make it all stop. Even now I am still stunned that I let myself get so upset over how I see myself. This morning the night before lingered and I considered going back to bed, pulling the covers over my head and refusing to let anyone ever see me again. I didn’t. I got up, dressed, repeated those little words as I pulled on layers of clothing, covering up everything that for some reason I have grown to hate and I got myself into the office. What a relief that was. Getting back to work, talking about the projects coming up, interacting with other human beings rather than just being trapped in my head finally put a smile on my face. I know that I could lose it if I don’t maintain my recovery. I could go back to being stuck in the house with no energy to even make a phone call and that thought terrifies me. Just these last few weeks of not being busy has been more than I could bare at times and I cannot go back to all that dead and empty time. Clearly it doesn’t suit me. I don’t want to go back to that. I won’t.
So yes my body image may be somewhere as low down as the inner circles of hell right now, but I have a stronger body that stretches and moves and gets me from A to B. If I could just hold on to that thought then I think I may be able to weather this out.
Also…my Mum’s ok 🙂