I finally saw the sadness that I once carried today and it reminded me of just how much I do not want to go back to that place that is so unforgiving. There aren’t many photographs of me prior to treatment and when I was at my lowest point, like many I avoided cameras and most of the time I wasn’t in any place where there was a chance of my photo been taken in the first place. The few that I do have are posed headshots, nothing natural, nothing real. Today though I went to go see my Mum and she was looking through her phone and she came across of collection of photos that she had taken, one a couple of weeks before treatment, and the others two weeks in. I felt devastated looking at them. I hardly recognised myself and it wasn’t much to do with the physical space that I took up but how I looked like I was in pain. There is discomfort in my face, my eyes look empty but sad, my body is hunched over as though it took too much effort to sit up straight and I am leaning on to my kid brother for support to prop me up. I wish I could say those pictures were lies, that they weren’t a true representation to what was really happening at that time but I know that they are, that they are probably more true than anything I wrote or believed of that time. I can’t deny it now. I can’t pretend that it wasn’t hell because it’s captured right there. I suppose the only question left to ask is ‘What am I going to do to make sure that it never happens again?’. I don’t have an answer to that yet. Of course there is the obvious, get up in the morning, eat my meals, maintain/increase my weight, don’t give up, don’t forget. But how do I change my heart? How do I believe that I am worthy to be happy? I am beginning to respect my body but how do I stop hating it? These questions are fundamental to recovery, or at least to my recovery because it is those answers that will help me sustain this for the rest of my life, to help me move on.
The baby steps have to end. It’s time to make a few bold leaps and hope that I can handle the landing.
On another note, I’m going with my Mum to the doctor tomorrow to get her tests results back. I’ll admit I’m anxious, she really didn’t look good today. I don’t know if it’s whatever is wrong with her, or if it’s all the meds that they started her on but I’m hoping tomorrow that we get some answers. I’ll let you know how it goes.