I feel that I need to get honest with myself and possibly with my treatment team. The truth is that I got bored of going into my appointments and sitting there week after week saying the same thing. I got tired of hearing myself say “I’m struggling” or “I really want to gain weight and I’m trying…it’s just hard”. I started to feel ashamed that I wasn’t where I wanted to be and somehow that made me a failure. So I stopped letting people in and as long as I kept my weight mostly stable and didn’t cry and made the conversation go a different way then it didn’t matter. I feel like I spend my time trying to distract myself from having the conversations that I don’t want to have, conversations that I don’t even know how to verbalise. I don’t know how to make sense out of any of it, so I don’t and I carry on counting and letting these irrational fears stack up, and the more irrational they are, the more I feel like I need to hide them.
Most of the time it feels as though I am failing in recovery and I have already failed in my eating disorder, so where does that leave me? I know that you can’t put a time limit on recovery, and I do know that I have moved forwards so much but I just didn’t think I would still be here. I didn’t think I would still be so torn. Yes I want recovery but do I want to gain weight? Not really. For some reason there is still something that connects how I perceive myself with the number on the scale. I think also it is hard to make myself want to gain weight when I don’t see that I need to. I know what the charts say and I know the category that I fall under is not healthy but it doesn’t make a difference when I am forced to look at myself in the mirror everyday. I’m scared but I don’t know what of. I get this feeling sometimes that I’m too much, I take up too much space and I hate it. I want to contain myself. I want to try and make myself not be so ugly and the only thing that I seem to be able to do is lose weight. My whole life cannot be this whole battle…but I can’t let it go. Every time I get a little bit closer I want to run away. Why is this so hard? I can give myself a good talking to and say all the right things so why I don’t I believe them?
I feel like I’m blinking and more of my life is slipping me by and I don’t want to wake up in ten years time and not know where it has all gone and still be jumping between life with no limits and life with an eating disorder.
So in summary:
I want to be free.
I don’t want to gain weight.
I want to recover.
I want to be healthy.
I don’t want to take up space.
I want my life. I don’t want Anorexia.
I DO NOT WANT ANOREXIA.
Maybe that is the only thing I know and have to remember and that has to come above all else, especially above me not wanting to gain weight, because that isn’t recovery. That’s holding on to an illness that will not rest until I walk away or it kills me.
Now all I have to do is say all this out loud.