Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Hope

My new year wasn’t epic but still it was kind of nice. It’s been a long time since I have even dared to tempt fate by doing anything on New Year’s eve, mostly because of a silly superstition that I have. I used to plan huge nights out, buy tickets for certain parties and hang out with people, and then this weird thing started happening and each new years ended up as a complete disaster. I found myself in hospitals or getting injured, one year I had to be rushed into surgery with appendicitis. It seemed safer to stay indoors with my phone on silent and kind of just ride it out. If I didn’t acknowledge it, didn’t put myself in any position to get into trouble I would be more likely to see the next year unscathed. It has worked, although last year I was still in treatment. Last night I just went round to my sister’s house for dinner, luckily her dinner party meal is one that I am becoming more comfortable with so it’s not a huge emotional uproar every time I go. We had one of those nights were we all just reminisced about the past but in a way which was done with fondness rather than unhappiness. I was home by 9:30pm.

My Mum got her results back and they are abnormal but she is unsure of what the doctors actually think it is. She’s got more tests coming up at the end of the week and then she’ll go back to see the doctor on Monday. The meds they’ve started her on seeming to be helping a little but it’s still early days. In all honesty she just looks washed out and it’s difficult to see that because you always think your Parents are invincible don’t you? And when you realise they’re not…it’s not really that pleasant. I’ll let you know how she gets on.

I survived lunch at my house today too. I was up baking at 7:30am and then cooking pretty much non-stop till everyone got here. It seemed to go ok, they ate the food, they said they liked it. I was rather annoyed that I made apple crumble specifically because my sister asked me to and then didn’t eat it, but my Mum said it was good. I felt proud of myself today though. I have this thing about touching certain foods and sometimes its to the point where I struggle to even butter a slice of toast for someone else. Yet today I made two desserts, handled vast quantities of cheese and oil and every possible food that I am afraid of and I got through it. Nothing terrible happened. I’m taking more steps forward than I am back these days and that feels amazing.

I have many hopes for 2014 but I don’t have resolutions. Hopes seem to be a more sustainable option. I hope I get stronger this year. I hope the people around me are happy and healthy. I hope to keep my attention focused on what I want. I hope for good things…for me, for the people around me and also for you, whoever you may be. I hope you have a year that makes you smile and that makes you think “I’m really glad I stuck around for this”.

More than anything I hope you find the freedom from whatever battle your fighting and that you can begin to live the life you imagine living.

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