Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

I have to find some strength

I haven’t been well today. I woke up with a nosebleed and a raging headache which has not left me all day and just feeling generally off it. Needless to say that I haven’t been too impressed with spending the day in. I admit that I suck at feeling like crap, it pisses me off and I get kind of pathetic with it. I automatically jump to the worst possible conclusions as a way of explanation when it is probably due to nothing more than having the central heating on all the time. I will be glad when the winter is over.

Something’s wrong with my Mum. I’m not sure what yet and neither is she. This morning she rang me and told me that she’s been feeling worse and that she was considering going to the doctor about her physical health. She rang me back this evening on her way home from the hospital after some urgent blood tests but she couldn’t remember what the doctor was actually testing her for. The doctor wants her to go back in tomorrow to get the results and if its what he thinks it is then they will have to discuss treatment options straight away. I’m nervous. I know I have issues with my Mum, but she’s still my Mum and I do love her. I don’t want there to be anything wrong. I offered to go stay tonight but she told me to stay at home because it was too cold to go out. I’m not sure what to do, maybe it will be nothing…I hope it’s nothing. I hope he’s wrong.

Suddenly it seems ridiculous to be continuing to put my health in jeopardy like I am doing. I can’t justify it anymore. I can’t pretend that I don’t know what I’m doing or that I do not know the consequences of living on a restricted diet. I do. Sure my body will sustain, it might get me to where I want to be every now and again, but I won’t be able to trust it. I won’t be able to stop doubting that it will just give up on me one day.

I came upon this quote today;

“There is always
that moment.
That harsh realization
that you are
killing
yourself for no reason”

– Michelle K

And I did realise how ridiculous it is but also how true it is too. There is no reason for my disorder anymore. There isn’t a need for me to protect myself the way I once had to, it no longer covers up the pain or makes me forget. It’s just another thing existing in my world long past it’s expiration date. It has been 14 years and I am so tired of leaning on something that has only caused suffering. I can’t be afraid anymore.

I won’t be afraid anymore.

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4 thoughts on “I have to find some strength

  1. Aww hun, so sorry you woke in a bad way. I used to get a lot of headaches and nosebleeds. Thinking of you and mum at this stressful time.

  2. I wish your mom all the best! I hope it turns out to be nothing terrible…
    I know what it’s like to hold on to the disease althought it’s not “necessary” anymore, it’s just easier… But we don’t have to take the easy way out, we can rise up to the challenge, it’s possible!

    1. Thank you. I am trying so hard to not take the easy road because all it leads to is a life I don’t want to lead. I am trying and you are right, it is possible x

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