Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

It isn’t strength

My Mother called my eating disorder determination today. What will it take to make her understand that this is not something I chose and starving myself is not a strength? It is not something to be idealised or glamorized or used as motivation to fuel a diet or a weight loss plan. This is my life that almost went up in smoke because of that supposed ‘determination’, it was the thing that broke me and nearly killed me. It is the thing that made me want to kill myself. It is not a game, nor a joke. I think I am getting beyond trying to make them understand. My mother will always see Anorexia as will-power, as having the ability to shut out all bodily desires and achieve weight loss, and they will continue to make jokes about how I once refused to eat anything other than lettuce and tinned carrots. I’m sorry but I do not see anything amusing about that whole time of my life or way of being. It shouldn’t hurt…but it still kind of does.

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4 thoughts on “It isn’t strength

  1. I’m sorry. For what little it is worth, I have felt better about things since I stopped trying to explain things to people not equipped, for whatever reason, to understand. I still get a little wistful sometmes, but . . . it’s easier to step away from now.

  2. It seems to me that one of the challenges with overcoming anorexia is that in the beginning it was actually an act of determination, of strength. But it became much more than that, something destructive instead of positive, and once you’re there, it takes so much more determination and will-power to eat normal meals than to continue the “diet”… I can see how it might be hard for people who have never been in that place to understand how it can be so hard to eat a bit more, but even if that is the case, they can see THAT it is os hard for us, so they should accept it and appreciate our efforts instead of making unhelpful comments, especially such comments that are potentially triggering. However, we cannot change what they say, we can only change the way we deal with their comments, so you’re on a good path!

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