I have seen today how I can not go back to the life that I was living before. It just wouldn’t work anymore. It’s hard to not have structure to my day, to not have a schedule that demands my attention. I feel my energy being drained the longer I sit on the couch and stare at the same four walls. It has only been a few days since I have found myself with all this free time and already I feel myself beginning to drive myself insane, becoming obsessed with the thoughts that are self-pitying and centred around food and weight and every other eating disorder pre-occupation known to man. I don’t like it if I’m honest and it hasn’t been as easy to distract myself. I am going to have to find work to keep me busy because I don’t go back to Uni for over another month and the idea that I will have nothing to do everyday fills me with dread. Of course the winter doesn’t make it any easier, the dark nights and the cold that cuts to the bone is not something I enjoy. For the last few days there have been storms popping up all over the country and that seems to make me tired, the thought of going out into those winds that nearly knock you off your feet seems unappealing. I cannot wait for the sun to reappear.
I suppose some might say it’s a good thing that I’m resting, but I just don’t see it. I get frightened of rest, afraid that if I stop long enough I’ll become unwell again, that I’ll disrupt that delicate balance that I worked so hard to establish. I can’t lose everything again. I can’t let myself become a slave to my Mental Health and own destruction again. I can’t sit back and watch it all go up in smoke and feel that powerless to stop it. Yes…I am catastrophizing at the moment, which only proves my point that having too much time on my hands is not a good thing.
I need to make plans or give my day a structure.
As much as I have developed a new found love of Downton Abbey, the idea of watching back to back shows for another day is not something that I really want to happen. I need my energy and motivation back immediately.