We survived Christmas everyone! I’m pleased to say that I am still pretty much in one piece and I hope you are too? Mostly it was good. I got great gifts, everyone tried to get along and it was all pretty harmonious till about 10am when an over-tired little brother decided to let his newly found attitude problem spill out over the fact the he couldn’t get his new Xbox one to work. The mornings are always the best on Christmas, we have a routine and it works, we get up, do presents and then get dressed and ready whilst being distracted by new things. My mother is ridiculously happy because our happiness over the presents we receive and all of us being together in the house matters to her and it is nice to see her smile over that. The next step on the Christmas schedule is lunch. I’d like to say that we are a ‘normal’ family who all eat together and talk to one another, but we’re not and I don’t know why I ever think that that is going to change. Honestly in terms of my recovery the entire situation was entirely unhelpful. My Dad and older brother ate in the living room, my little brother started off at the table then decided after 5 minutes he didn’t want to eat his lunch and went back up to his room, my sister began whilst my mum was still plating up and my mother didn’t sit down with us till after we’ve all started because she was too busy trying to not let things in the over burn which she’d forgotten to put in. There was about 5 minutes in which my mum and sister sat down at the table eating together with me, then my sister was finished and just started wandering around the kitchen, decided that she wanted to go back to hers to pick up her tablet and was mum going to go with her? So my mum finished her lunch quickly, asked if I minded (which my sister replied that I didn’t) and then they left. I just sat there alone in the kitchen, trying to consume a meal that was already a struggle and tried not to burst into tears. I tried to tell myself that it was ok for me to carry on eating but in the end it got the better of me. I felt uncomfortable and couldn’t decide if it was because of the food or because I was upset, instead I cleaned up and tried to settle the anxiety which had crept into my body.
After lunch it was kind of a downward spiral. Everyone was tired, my dad left to go to work and barely spoke to us, my siblings went to see their partners, and I just sat there clock watching. I had planned to go home but by the time we had gone to my sisters for coffee, my Mum had convinced me to stay another night because it was late and I was just going to be back the next day, then my mum went to bed at 8:30pm which left me alone again to just sit there with my anxieties and try to not let all the terrible memories of the house floor me.
Anyway I am finally back home and it is quiet and I feel like I can relax a little now. There is no-one expecting me to smile or be a certain way. There is no pressure on me to eat and I don’t have that feeling of guilt when I have to have a snack or meal and no one else is. So yes…mostly it was ok and I am thankful for everything that I received and that I have a family to be with, but I am also unbelievable relieved that it is over. I have one more challenge to do in terms of the holiday which is hosting a family meal at mine on New Years Day. It’s been hard to not jump on the scale since I got home though, the need to see the number and how it has changed is quite overwhelming but I know that doing it now would be entirely pointless because I’ve had a full days intake. I know…I know…the number means nothing, it doesn’t change who I am or anything else etc, but that urge or need still remains. Hopefully it will pass soon.
So that was Christmas and now we don’t need to talk about it again and that will be all from me.