All day the same thought has been echoing in my head, demanding that I sit up and pay attention, that I listen for once in my life to something that may be good for me rather than covering my ears and pretending not to hear. It is the thought “I am done!”. I am done with playing by the rules, with being tired, with putting my life on hold, with saying no when I want to say yes. I am done with limiting myself, defining myself, judging, measuring and weighing my worth by the food on my plate or the numbers on my scale. I am done with living in two worlds, with clinging on to my sadness, with expecting something magical to be born out of the decreasing of my size. I am done with not eating fats and only certain carbs and calories that will only sustain a child.
I want more.
I want to eat what I want, when I want and not give a damn.
I want to say that ‘I made it out the other side’ and that ‘I proved everybody who said my life would be nothing more than limitating the damage I could do, wrong’.
I’m not saying that I expect things to be easy or that this thought will make everything else fall into place. It just feels really good to have that motivation drifting through me again. To have something to aim for or to move away from. So I am stepping forward, giving those chains another rattle in the hope that they will loosen a little bit more. I think it’s getting harder to keep up the pretence that I’m ok with how I’ve been living, with what I’ve been denying myself. It struck me the other night when I was out for work meal number 3…I ordered what I felt to be the safest thing on the menu rather than choosing something that I wanted or even liked. I sat there tying myself up in knots and trying to analyse how much oil that had been used in the preparation rather than engaging fully in the laughter that was happening all around me. I’m not going to lie either, it’s probably the first time that I’ve admitted to myself or out loud that what everyone else ordered looked pretty good and that if it hadn’t been for the disorder I would probably have enjoyed it. I can’t change the other night but I can change my future. If I work hard enough and want it enough then I can choose to not have to feel that way again. It’s time that I started to live on my terms, in a way that makes me proud.
I am done. I am just beginning.