This weekend has been a tough one for me because I have stayed at home, shut off from the world and worked pretty much non stop for the last two days so that I could get my essays all done. Which I did…I am pleased to announce that I have finished, proofread, edited and referenced all 5 essays! However I’m not really that good at being alone with my thoughts for that long. They always seem to turn sour. I’m not sure how my brain does it. How I can go from being entirely immersed in the study of consciousness and psychological approaches one minute to being paralysed by the feeling of complete despair the next, to feeling powerful and capable not long after. It’s some kind of messed up emotional, thought rollercoaster that doesn’t want to burn out yet. I stand in the kitchen and my head equally screams at me to eat something and not eat. I get changed or have a bath and I avert my eyes, shrink away from my own touch because on the one hand, this body that I now live in is allowing me to function, but on the other hand it scares me and I loathe it, feel entirely disgusted by it. I feel my mind is playing host to two 5 year olds who don’t know how to share, each one claiming me as their own. I really don’t have the time or mental space for it anymore. I want it gone. I want this disorder out of my life once and for all so that I can just try to figure out who I am without it.
And that’s the thing…I don’t know who I am without it.
It’s not that it has defined me, but I don’t know any other existence. I try to remember a time when it wasn’t important and all I can see are all the times that I lied to myself. If I do not have my eating disorder than how do I deal with my emotions, how do I live with the guilt and the shame and how do I get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other?
Has it always been this complicated or has that only occurred when I began to engage in recovery? A small part of my brain thinks that if I went back then maybe it would undo it, make it simple again…Although I know it wouldn’t make it simple, it would just screw up and slow down my cognitive abilities that will just make it seem like that way.
I think I’m afraid. For such a long time, people kept telling me how much potential I had, how if I just stepped away from the destruction I could be so much more and I didn’t believe them. Then when I started to piece my life back together, everyone kept telling me how proud that they were, how I am beginning to realise that potential, how I am capable of doing anything. I don’t want to let them down…but more so I don’t want to let myself down. I have dreams for the first time in such a long time and instead of being excited about them, all I can think is how much it would hurt to fall again. I’m trying to not let my fear get the better of me. I even have a tattoo on my back that says “My fear will not define me”. I’m hoping that I can begin to live more true to that thought.
I’m not sure if this had a point or if I ended up just rambling. I’m just feeling rather contemplative now. Maybe it’s because my life will be slowing down over Christmas and I’m not sure how to process that. I’m not sure how to rest and do nothing. I could learn or I could get ahead on next terms modules and get to work on my projects that I want rolled out in the new year.
Anyway, probably best to not to go down that road tonight.
Hope the weekends been good to you.