Eating Disorder Recovery

It’s flown by

I cannot believe how fast this week has gone by…or this semester even.
I finished with classes this week and now I have just got one and a half essays to do and then that’s it. I survived my first term without any major meltdowns. When I think about it, when I think of everything I’ve done these last few months…I am a little bit proud of myself. I’ve kept myself going, I’ve let other people keep me going rather than shutting them out, even on the days I didn’t want to and I never used to be able to do that. Before I would have turned in on myself and made my world so narrow that nothing could possibly fit into it to help me out. I think it’s a sign I’m changing. I hope it is.

I spent most of my week stressed out about work and finding a dress for an awards ceremony that I had to go to. I can’t say it was fun. By Wednesday afternoon I was getting pretty close to tears and ready to either go in my jeans or not go at all. I don’t even think it was about the dress, it just became this representation for everything else that felt wrong that I can’t verbalise a lot of the time. Anyway to cut a story short I did eventually find one!!! Which meant no more changing room mirrors and getting dressed then undressed, because we all know that does nothing to help a persons self-esteem.

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This is the dress. I had to take the photo from the stores website because mine is now currently in the laundry. It was strange getting all dressed up and looking like a girl. I don’t do it very often. I wear dresses all the time, but I love to wear them with boots and knitwear and I’m not very good at having a lot of make up on my face. I moan a lot when I have to get dressed up and I never feel like I look pretty and I don’t feel very confident. And it’s bloody cold out there…I don’t know how girls can go out wearing next to nothing in winter and be fine with it. They are either very brave, silly or have started drinking early.

Oh…The big news is that we actually bloody won!!!! How amazing is that? It was a national award and it was just really good to get that recognition that we work our bloody butts off and take some absolute shit from people but it’s working and it’s making a difference. I felt so proud of the team and especially my manager. She totally earned this and deserved it. So definitely highlight of the week.

The night itself could have been a disaster. Getting there was a nightmare because so many trains were cancelled last night due to some freakishly strong winds going on over here in the UK. We made it eventually, complete with 3 failed attempts on trains and a woman collapsing on the way. It was also a 3 course meal which I’ve been dreading since I found out a few months back, and nothing worked out as what we thought it would. The starter was soup and I like my soup but it was tomato and I really don’t like tomato soup, also there was a white bread roll. Have a fear of white bread, but I did my best. The main, well…we all thought it would be chicken because that’s the usual thing to do at these events. Nope! It was a Steak Pie of some description with mash and peas. Random. Firstly I don’t eat certain meats based on religious reasons, and secondly I just can’t do pie. It’s the ultimate fear food. They had no vegetarian options so I had a plate of peas and mash for dinner. I didn’t even attempt dessert which was kind of chocolate tart thing. But it was ok…no-one made a big deal out of it or made comments. So it was a nice night. I feel more comfortable about going out for these TWO meals next week purely because I now know that my team are not going to make me feel uncomfortable if I can’t manage something. Also they’re both Italian restaurants which will be great in terms of a challenge because Italy is still the dream, but I’m really scared at the same time. I hope it’s going to be ok.

So that’s me kind of in a nutshell this week. I have the weekend to just stay in and get my essays done and then maybe I can catch my breath for a couple of days and re-group. Also maybe I will get that scarf I’m knitting done.

Have a nice night.

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2 thoughts on “It’s flown by

  1. You can be more than a little bit proud of yourself 🙂 For getting through the semester, for not shutting people out, for managing the three-course meal. I remember you mentioned it in an earlier blog… I can image how you were dreading it the whole time, and knowing it isn’t that terrible will make you more confident in the future!

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