For the first time in a while I’m feeling a little bit restored. I think it’s because I had a productive day. I started work on my essays at 6:30 this morning and have been pretty much at it most of the day. I’m making progress but have discovered a deep loathing for referencing in the process. Anyway although I still have a mountain of work to do, I’m not feeling so overwhelmed because I know that I’m capable of getting shit done when I put my mind to it and get down to work.
I also got the chance to catch up with my lovely friend today and we went for a walk in the park before going for coffee. It was one of those days today when the air just felt really fresh. That sounds terrible, but it was. I don’t like the cold and tend to avoid it mostly, but there are some days, when the sky has only just turned to grey after being blue and it’s a little misty but not frosty and you can actually feel yourself breathe, that I don’t mind stepping out into it. Obviously with a hat, scarves, gloves, etc etc…But you know, it feels so good to be able to just bloody go out for a walk. There is no way I was capable of doing that this time last year. There are a lot of things that I wouldn’t have been able to do. So as a reminder to myself I have been considering what recovery means to me: trivial version
-I can change the bedding without getting dizzy or out of breath.
-It’s easier to shave.
-I can relax in the bath rather than it being horribly uncomfortable (and having a bath is my only choice because I don’t have a shower).
-I can drink coffee if I want and not let what milk they serve be the deciding factor.
-I can get warm.
-I can re-arrange my furniture in my flat (yes it is an obsession).
-I can clean without having to take breaks every 20 minutes.
-I look forward to getting lost in my book world on a night because I can actually concentrate again.
-Going to the shop no longer takes military planning.
-My head doesn’t hurt all the time.
-I can see the world without black spots clouding my vision.
-My digestive system works like a normal persons (I think…but I don’t really have that conversation with people).
And I’m sure there are more, so if you think of any feel free to let me know :).
So I am trying to not let my weight throw me at the moment. I’m tired of thinking I want to go back because I don’t. What is it that I want to go back to? The things mentioned above? My entire life being dictated by my physical health? Doctors and hospitals and medical interventions? Do I want to go back to one room on a ward that doesn’t have wifi, being escorted downstairs for smokes (depending on whether I’m strong enough to make it), having my obs taken all the time, being watched whilst I eat, and frustrated when I can’t? Do I want to give up uni and work, and life and friendships and family and hope? All for a belief that being thinner will be enough to replace it all?
Nope. I don’t think I do. No…I know that I don’t want to.
Side note/other news. Just had a weird moment of stumbling across an old crush/fling/thing…I’m not really sure what I would have called what we had. I really wanted to add him on facebook because I felt something, possibly it could have just been nostalgia, the possibility that never was because I kept ending up in the hospital. He was just really beautiful, and not just on the outside, but he had a good soul. But I couldn’t do it. I’ve got to let things go and move forward. Just thought I’d share that for no apparent reason other than I’m not the kind of person to admit that kind of thing out loud and really wanted to tell someone.
Hope your weekends treated you good and that you’re taking care of yourself. x