I had my doubts about today. You know those mornings when you wake up and just think “Nope, not today. Let’s just skip over it and try again tomorrow”? It happens before you even actually get out of bed. This morning I actually slept later than usual and still did not want to get up at 8am. My bed felt fine, it felt safer than the world. As it’s Friday I had my therapy appointment, and I’ll be honest I’ve really not been looking forward to it for two reasons. The first is that shit is getting real in that room. I’m trying to work through some trauma stuff and oh my word!!! It is so hard and painful and I keep wondering why I’m doing this to myself. It kind of helped today that she did remind me why I’m doing it:
The point of therapy – I will stop owning all the responsibility for what happened to me – So I can forgive myself and stop hating myself for it – Which means I will want to look after myself – Which therefore means I will be more inclined to nourish and feed myself.
I’m wanting to just skip to the last point and miss out all of the messy bit of actually talking about it.
The second reason why I’m not a fan of my sessions is that I get my weight checked. Never fun. Although I had a slightly strange re-realisation today. I have spent the last week thinking that all I wanted was the numbers to go down, believing that it was going to make me feel more secure, less self-conscious and happier (Yes I realise it was an over the top expectation and a number is never going to give me those things). Yet when the scales did go down I didn’t feel that. I didn’t feel much of anything. I still felt as shit as I did last week. Still felt a loathing for myself and the way I looked. It hadn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will, or at least it won’t if I’m searching for some sort of acceptance this way. This has nothing to do with what’s going on externally and I need to stop trying to distract myself with pretending that it does.
This afternoon my new CPN came to see me. It’s her third visit, and mostly I like her, she seems easy enough to talk to, but I don’t think she’s particularly skilled in Eating Disorders. When she asked me what my diet looked like, I had only gotten to afternoon snack before she told me “That is a lot, I don’t even eat that much. Most days I don’t have time to eat anything all day.” I didn’t want to be triggered or feel guilty, and I didn’t want that one comment to put a spanner in this new working relationship, but it wasn’t easy. In the end I said to her, that I need to eat that regularly because I can’t deal with having big energy dense meals on one go and that my body not only needs energy to get it through the day but that it is trying to repair years and years of damage that I have inflicted upon it. I’m still trying to believe my words. One good thing that she did say was that I should be proud of myself, for being so determined to get where I am today. She said she wanted to take me out to see some of her other patients so that they could see that they could also re-build their lives. That it was possible to move on forwards and that you didn’t have to stay stuck in the place that you were and that I was proof of that, I could inspire people. So that kind of made me smile a bit, although I think I was a little embarrassed too. I don’t take praise very well. I’m just not sure what to do with it, and it is such a contrast to how I talk to myself or treat myself. It’s very strange…but a good strange I think.
So I haven’t really achieved anything today in terms of work wise because I’ve been knackered and my emotions are all over the place. I should just stop planning to get loads of work done on Friday afternoons because I’m free, I never do and then I just feel shit about myself by the evening for spending the whole day procrastinating. So hopefully that’s a lesson learnt. I intend to stop trying to make myself work now anyway and do some knitting. It’s get colder here and you can never have enough scarves.
Have a good night guys x