I’ve completely checked out this week. I feel out of control and far too big and uncomfortable and the only thing I can think about is making that number go back down again. Things are getting missed out and I should probably feel more guilty about that than what I do, but I don’t…Instead I let it slide, only being able to think of lessening myself. I feel alone in this battle these days and I am trying so hard to contain it as much as I can and not lose my grip entirely. I can’t afford to do that. I have too much to do, essays to complete and work to get done and training to deliver and forms to fill in. Yes I am a little overwhelmed. I should be using all these protective things to keep me on the recovery path but instead I am becoming fixated on all the girls around me who are thin and I get jealous and angry and think “Why do they not have to gain weight? It’s not fair.” Which is completely irrational because I don’t know their stories, I don’t know what they’re going through. I know I have no clear perception of my own size so how the hell can I compare?
This recovery thing is hard and I want to say I just don’t have time for it. Yet I bloody well know that if I have that attitude and don’t make time for it, then I’m going to lose everything all over again and then I’ll have all the time in the world, and I don’t want to go back to that. The conflicted emotions are driving me up the wall.
Maybe I am just trying to prove something to myself, that I can still lose weight, that I’m still capable of doing that if I need to. Although what that actually proves or means I don’t exactly know. Not a right lot probably. I’m getting scared of how intense these emotions are lately.
I know this is a short update on what’s going on with me. I am trying to keep some traces of positivity in my mind. Trying to remember that recovery is the only plausible option if I want to have a life where I am actually alive rather than existing. A year and a half in nearly to this recovery and all I can think is that it should be easier than this by now. I shouldn’t still be having these battles. I need to turn my brain off or at least my laptop off for the night. It has been a long day and tomorrow will be another and I am knackered but have lots of adrenaline (or something like it) running through me, so I need to just stop. That’s ok right? That I stop. I’m not sure why I need to ask permission to do that. That’s an odd one.