The need/want should be gone by now.

I’ve completely checked out this week. I feel out of control and far too big and uncomfortable and the only thing I can think about is making that number go back down again. Things are getting missed out and I should probably feel more guilty about that than what I do, but I don’t…Instead I let it slide, only being able to think of lessening myself. I feel alone in this battle these days and I am trying so hard to contain it as much as I can and not lose my grip entirely. I can’t afford to do that. I have too much to do, essays to complete and work to get done and training to deliver and forms to fill in. Yes I am a little overwhelmed. I should be using all these protective things to keep me on the recovery path but instead I am becoming fixated on all the girls around me who are thin and I get jealous and angry and think “Why do they not have to gain weight? It’s not fair.” Which is completely irrational because I don’t know their stories, I don’t know what they’re going through. I know I have no clear perception of my own size so how the hell can I compare?

This recovery thing is hard and I want to say I just don’t have time for it. Yet I bloody well know that if I have that attitude and don’t make time for it, then I’m going to lose everything all over again and then I’ll have all the time in the world, and I don’t want to go back to that. The conflicted emotions are driving me up the wall.

Maybe I am just trying to prove something to myself, that I can still lose weight, that I’m still capable of doing that if I need to. Although what that actually proves or means I don’t exactly know. Not a right lot probably. I’m getting scared of how intense these emotions are lately.

I know this is a short update on what’s going on with me. I am trying to keep some traces of positivity in my mind. Trying to remember that recovery is the only plausible option if I want to have a life where I am actually alive rather than existing. A year and a half in nearly to this recovery and all I can think is that it should be easier than this by now. I shouldn’t still be having these battles. I need to turn my brain off or at least my laptop off for the night. It has been a long day and tomorrow will be another and I am knackered but have lots of adrenaline (or something like it) running through me, so I need to just stop. That’s ok right? That I stop. I’m not sure why I need to ask permission to do that. That’s an odd one.

Night x


5 thoughts on “The need/want should be gone by now.

  1. Good Morning @day by day…

    Can I just say…
    We are strangers,… its so easy for me to type, ‘well done, keep going, you deseve it’…. but really how much of that praise and love can you take in and and use for your mind/body health over a laptop?

    However, I do need to say it …praise you…because i am proud of you, for what are you are doing, for what you are achiving….its takes courage that not many have on this earth and its hard putting yourself first…

    its really hard…i know this feeling…
    i have lived in a 10st body and a 5st body – neither i thought was perfect…ha ironic- you think if you phyically cut yourself in half, you must be making yourself feel pure and perfect…not the case.
    …you just become half the person you once was…

    i was diagnosed OCD, Anorexic, Depressed and with Attendion Defect Disorder at the age of 20

    i am 3 years into recovery…

    ……at the time you wrote this post i have to confess i was only on 600 cals consumed that day….i froze and thought ‘no, it can not go on…she can not stop not now’…then i reflected upon myself…i can not say this to her if i will not take my own advice…
    to bite is to begin…
    so… i walked into the kicthen , opened the ‘forbiddon’ area of the breakfast items shelf (goldern grahams cerials- a massive fear since becoming ok and eating eggs- how odd?!! ha) and then decided, atually decided i needed to consume more….

    in the dark I ate two to three bowls of cerial with rasins on top- i felt horrible, unearthy, un worthy, weak, deluded, immoral- yet despite the ‘mad act of gluttony’ i thought of all the reasons why i should not beat myself up about this….
    my reasons for betting better….
    …. the children i wanted to raise, the man and husband i one day hoped to meet, the fertility i could one day have, the bones and body with a sexy roundness and ease, the jobs and sights i need to see, the life i crave to live, the soul i long to soar….and with tears down my face (at 12am at night- aka NOT EATING TIME) i went to bed bloated, un exerised and ’round’) – my mum then said- ‘babe, im so proud of you…ill sleep better tonight knowing you have eaten…well done..and vicky…you do know you will never be fat, big, round, chubby….youll just be beautiful’
    ..and even with my insomnia …with this thought i slept…

    i wake today to see not much has happned the earth still turns, people are as they were, life moves on and i have sacrificed my starvation…i beat my ‘annie’ once again..( annie is my pet name for the bitch) hehe…

    TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE….’DAY BY DAY’…ONE DAY AT A TIME dont think about whats happned…dont think about tomorrow…live in the power of now! it helps! 🙂

    ….i am soon to be the face of eating disorder awareness week 2014 in york uk and for this i need to look healthy….
    its a mini target i have when i feel weak,
    … the weight always will go up and down, the vocie will always to a degree be there…its all about managment, self beleif and the motivation and matieance to keep going- trust me, you wont be fat, you will simply ‘be’ …and to ‘be’ is a gift…trust me feeding tubes and drips are not lving they are existing..permit yourself the happiness and nutrition you need. be brave, bite, scream, cry, laugh, dance, tackle, stamp, lick, chew, shout your way through this- you can do this, YOU CAN! i have hope for you and all suffering out there! we need to win this battle fight for survival and promote a future which places wellbeing at the centre of self ownership! YOUR STRONGER THAN YOU THINK……

    there are my typed words,… i hope somehow they make there way over to you and your life…
    feel the enegy of your supporters

    try to have a meaningful, enlightned and powerful day- fight the fear and beat the bitch!
    all my love


    1. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today :). Firstly let me say thank-you. Your words and support remind me that I am not alone in this, that I’m not the only one fighting and that means a lot to me.

      ….i froze and thought ‘no, it can not go on…she can not stop not now’…then i reflected upon myself…i can not say this to her if i will not take my own advice…

      This made me smile so much…and I continued to smile reading the rest of it. What you did was fantastic, and I really hope that you could let yourself be proud of that, just as I hope that you are proud everyday since you chose to take your life back from the disorder. It’s not easy coming back, and I think I forget that going back would mean the hospitals and the tubes all over again and I don’t want that to happen. We have to move forward, build on who we are and what we learnt and believe that we deserve more than that life could ever have given us.

      You are in an inspiration and I hope that you see that. I hope that you know that you will come through this too. Keep that power inside of you hun and use it to fight for the survival of your dreams.

      Sending love xx

  2. I’ve been in that place more than once, when I gained some weight (especially if I hadn’t “planned” to), then I had to prove to myself that I’m still able to lose weight because I had the irrational fear that I’d never be “strong” enough to lose weight again.. As if that was “strong”. I hope it will be different this time. I’m saying this so you don’t feel so alone. Although I’m not physically around you, you’re in my thoughts and my prayers. Maybe it will make a small difference for you…

    1. Thank-you and it does help to know that I’m not alone in thinking like this. It’s one of those thoughts that’s hard to admit so I’m grateful that you could share that with me 🙂

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