The morning after and I’m trying to build myself back up again. It is strange to have an ok night that is heavily mixed in with a bitter emotion because I never know what I seem to be feeling. Just a lot of different things collide at once and I wonder how it is capable for a human being to be so many different things at once.
I had spent all day shopping with members of my family yesterday, shopping in various places and visiting others and I wish that that would have been fun but the truth was that food took too much of an important role for me to be able to just relax and be present rather than fixated on my own thoughts. Ever since Fridays weigh in I have been more stressed about what I’m eating or not eating. All of it has to be analysed, scrutinised and accounted for. I’m trying not to let it alter what I do actually have but I can not say that and be truthful at the same time. It’s been important for me to try stay on as much of a plan as possible, and yet every time I try to stay on plan and be around my family, it all goes to shit. They still think I can just adapt to it, that we can just randomly change plans and go do something else rather than making a time to sit and have lunch/dinner. Yesterday was like some kind of random weird chain reaction. My aunt skipped lunch which is reasonable seen as though she is in a lot of pain and on crap loads of meds and sometimes food just makes her nauseous, but because my aunt didn’t want lunch, my mum decided that she wasn’t going to have anything either, which then made me feel worse for having to have anything at all. Needless to say that having a proper lunch failed miserably.
Then last night, instead of staying in I went to this neighbours party. I got ready at my sisters and wore pretty (but fitted) clothes, then I had my hair and make-up done. It felt weird getting dressed up because it’s been such a long time since I’ve done it. It was kind of nice on the one hand and I got some really thoughtful comments and the other side of me just wanted to be back at home alone with my face scrubbed, my pyjamas on and music on at a reasonable level. I stuck it out till 10pm which I thought was rather impressive considering that I’m usually incapable of human interaction after a certain point. Obviously as I posted last night it was weird seeing the kid there. I don’t really know her that well but for some reason she kept wanting to play games with me and give me cuddles. I guess she understands that I’m still family to an extent…
The only other snag in the night was when the buffet was opened. Everyone else had gotten up to go get something to eat and I thought “Ok, you need to have supper, go check if there is anything you could manage.” So I got up, went into the other room and had a look. immediately my sister asked loudly what the hell I was doing in there because we all knew that I wasn’t going to eat anything. Then the birthday girl (I say girl, she was 40) shouted out from the other end of the room that she was sorry for the food. How do you respond to something like that in a room filled with people who know your family ish but not actually know you? My mother handled it for me by declaring it was “Fine because I never eat anything anyway.” before turning to a group of women she was standing with and talking about how I have Anorexia and them all then making comments on my size. I made my escape and went for a smoke, feeling horribly exposed.
The thing though, at some point my forced smile became less forced and I found myself singing along to the music and having a laugh with my sister and her boyfriend and even my mother at times. The club (working mens)always brings back fond memories for me because we used to spend quite a bit of time there when we were kids at various family functions. I’m always amazed when I do venture back there how small it actually is, it had always seemed so much bigger when I was small, so much more filled with life rather than run down shell it seems to have turned into, but then again maybe that’s just my perception, maybe it was always like that but I was too busy dancing and playing with the smoke machine to realise it. It’s true that you see the world entirely different to how you see it as a child, and sometimes that’s a little bit of sad thing to think about, that what once seemed magical actually isn’t.
I have much to do today and I need to be productive so hopefully that will happen, I’m just hoping that when I get home my house is not a complete disaster zone. My brother was out in town last night and asked to stay at mine afterwards. I gave him my spare key, told him no shoes on my cream carpets and only to smoke in the kitchen. Yet knowing how he gets when he’s drunk I’m not holding my breath that he has followed these through. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had left the door unlocked, tracked mud through the house, burnt a hole in the soft furnishings and had some random girls knickers stuffed down the side of my bed. Ah well, if so my afternoon will be essay writing and cleaning-decontaminating the flat.
Have a good one x