Is everyone else in the whole world having a good time but me? Seriously! If I have to look at one more picture of smiling people on nights out I’m going to hit something. It’s not that I’m anti-party, it’s just that I’m jealous. At one point that’s what my life used to look like because I had energy and was sociable. Now…I consider it a late one if I’m not in my pyjamas and in bed with a book by 10pm. I know that my routine is important for keeping myself mentally well. I know that I cannot sustain that lifestyle I was living again, but I just miss it sometimes. I logged on to facebook tonight and I see posts from everyone in my new class, all out together on a night out. Did I get invited? No. And I don’t know why I’m upset about that because I would have made excuses and not gone. I’m doing that crazy messed up persony thing tonight. Instead I spent my night sat in bloody group therapy, trying to make sense out of my crappy mind that tells me to screw it all and fall head first into my eating disorder. Screw it all. Screw real life problems and made up problems, and screw amazing adventures, and futures with potential. I hate what my brains doing right now, and the only thing that’s good at the moment is the fact that my brain is really anxious but my body isn’t because I have benzo’s.
I just need to have a mini rant. There is no actual point to this point, only that I don’t think I’d quite dare say these things out loud because I cannot have any more public breakdowns. On that note…I will leave you to enjoy the rest of your night/day.