It shouldn’t make me want to cry.

It feels like the last few days have lasted an eternity. They have not been kind to me but I am hopeful that things will start to turn around soon. I didn’t react very well to the medication and ended up not only feeling physically unwell from them but my anxiety seemed to sky-rocket. I became extremely aware of everything my body was feeling and experiencing and that’s not necessarily a good thing when you are trying to recover from an eating disorder. I got trapped in to certain lines of thinking such as “My legs feel tingly and keep getting hot then cold” to “Oh my god look at the size of your thighs. I cannot believe that you are still eating”. For every body part I managed to somehow not only get fixated on how strange it felt but also the weight that has appeared on said part. Needless to say I figured it was going to be sensible to call it a day on them. I called my doctor up on Monday and said it wasn’t working and so he has (grudgingly) agreed to prescribe me some diazepam for the next couple of weeks. It’s a temporary fix, but right now I’m ok with that because I am so exhausted from it all that just a couple of weeks respite sounds like heaven to me. One of his main concerns is dependency but I’ve been on and off Benzos enough over the years to know that I can get myself off them without too much of a problem. Last night after my first dose I began to finally relax and actually went to bed feeling semi-normal and then I slept from 11pm-5am without waking up once!!! This is major for me, and I’m hoping I’ll sleep better tonight because I’m back home rather than at my parents house.

I am finding it harder to tolerate my current weight, although I have no idea what it is because like I’ve said I’ve not been at home for the last few days so didn’t have access to my scales and I didn’t get weighed during my session on Friday. It’s safe to say that I’m not taking it very well. Because I don’t know, nothing seems ok at the moment food wise and it’s all making me want to fall apart. Yesterday was just horrendous, every mouthful made me want to cry, knowing that I could not restrict made me want to throw a tantrum. I just sat there trying to figure out at what point eating meals that I usually tolerate pretty well became so damn traumatic. I didn’t come up with an answer. I want to be able to accept my changing body. I want to be thankful for everything it does for me on a daily basis and yet I cannot make the hate quieten down. I cannot escape the need to reduce it. I or the eating disorder keeps telling me that life didn’t hurt this much when the numbers were going down, it was better back then…and logically I know that’s a pile of bullshit. Sure it seemed better back then but it was because I was pretty much dead inside. I wasn’t capable of feeling or thinking much of anything. I was living in a muted world that existed within the boundaries of rules, food and the gym. That was it. That was my life. I know that deep down something has changed, some shift has taken place during the last year that I never really noticed had happened. Instead of my heart whispering that all it desired was to lose weight at any cost, it now says something else, something that says recovery is better, that life is worth fighting for. It’s just pulling those core feelings to the surface to help get me through on a day to day basis.

Still, it is not easy and I have to make myself remember that there are things more important than turning myself inside out even when it is so paralysing that the risk of moving may cause me to self implode.

The rest of my life is kind of slowly coming undone but that’s just the way it is at the moment. I’m hoping I can start to stitch it all back together this week, or at least get it to the point where I don’t feel so overwhelmed.

I feel like I’m not giving you very good quality writing at the moment and so I send my apologies for that. I have a few things playing around in my head that I want to talk about but I am still trying to string the words together to say those things. Hopefully I will be bringing those to you later in the week.