Eating Disorder Recovery

Still here.

Yesterday’s session with my therapist was hard work!! I feel myself beginning to trust her and as though I want to be able to tell her things and this freaks me out more than anything. I almost let go of one of my biggest secrets during the appointment, the words pressing heavily on my tongue and my mouth trying to form the words, then I stopped, closed it back up. I couldn’t do it. It would change everything and I worry that once I say the truth out loud I may not be able to live with myself. On the one hand it needs to come out in order for me to heal, and yet on the other hand I am scared of the consequences. I am unsure.

I didn’t get weighed, we ran out of time and I kept drifting off somewhere between the past and present. It didn’t seem like such a good idea to put myself through that process. Seeing the number going up was the last thing I needed when I want to make myself small enough to disappear. We’re going to do it next week. Maybe by then I’ll be a little bit more comfortable with the idea that I am getting bigger. I doubt it…but I’m sure it won’t undo me like it would have done yesterday.

The thing is that I’m willing to give up everything I believe to be healthy for once. I am gaining weight so that I can move on with my life. I have all the good intentions drifting about inside of me but the reality is something else. Wearing jeans, looking in the mirror, seeing my legs, walking, sitting…every possible situation is like torture at the moment because I cannot escape the image of myself which makes me feel hollow and full at the same time. I come close at times to doubling over because of the sheer heaviness of sadness inside of me that comes from living in a body that doesn’t fold itself as easily as it once did. There is this longing inside of me for the days when the Anorexia was not mixed with recovery and the only thing that held my attention was losing weight. I want to lose weight and I feel guilty for thinking that because I want to be healthy too, and those two things in my world cannot go hand in hand. I wonder if it ever ends? If there is ever going to be a point at which I can let it go, and not just the behaviours but all of it.

I’m staying at my parents for the weekend so that I could start the new meds. I took the first dose yesterday and another dose this morning and I’m still alive so I guess that’s always a good thing. They made me a little sleepy last night but then I was quite restless through the night and got up very early this morning (although that isn’t that uncommon for me). I’m just going to try and stick with them and not let my anxieties over-take the rational side which tells me that these could help me.

I’m not feeling particularly positive at the moment but I’m hopeful that maybe things will be different one day, because if I don’t keep that hope alive then what is the point in carrying on? I’ll get through, I’ll take my meds, I’ll eat my meals. I’ll keep going.

I have to.

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5 thoughts on “Still here.

  1. It must be so difficult to have a huge secret and not be able to let it out… I imagine it like an inner tug of war, one part telling you to get it done with and tell someone about it so it won’t trap you anymore, the other other part saying no, never, absolutely impossible. I would say I hope you find the courage to tell someone about it some time, but given that I don’t know what it is, I guess I don’t have the right to say that, for how can I know if it’s a good idea… But I do wonder: How terrible could the consequences possibly be? (You don’t need to answer this to me, just to yourself. I also do know that we often rationally know that it most likely won’t turn out as dreadful as we imagine, but the fear is still too strong to listen to logic. But maybe it would help to name for yourself what exactly you fear as a consequence – I find it easier to deal with specific fears than with a vague dread.)
    How are you coping with your medication? Does it make a difference regarding your anxieties?

    1. Sorry about the late reply my wordpress didn’t seem to want to let me respond. I try to think how I could make the consequences not that bad but it’s not possible. They would be terrible unfortunately :(.

      The meds did not work and made things worse. Its not been a pretty weekend. Started some new temporary ones to just give myself some respite so hoping they will work.

      1. Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that. Both that you don’t see a way to make the consequences any less terrible, and that the medication made things worse. I hope the new ones help more and don’t make it even worse!!! I guess I’m really lucky because I’ve never needed any medication; I have to admit I’d be pretty scared if I had to for some reason…

        Concerning the consequences again: It seems to me that your only have the choice between sharing the secret at some point in spite of everything and dealing with those dreaded consequences; or never being able to be completely open. I’m sure this is clear to you, though, and I’m not trying to say that one option is better than the other, they obviously both don’t seem very nice… Do you think it is possible for you to recover completely without letting anyone in on the secret?

        Well, I hope this week is going better for you! 🙂

      2. The new ones are making the nights a little easier, the only problem with them is that they can only be a short term fix, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

        I don’t know if it’s possible to recover fully without letting someone in. I’ve tried for years at some attempt at healing myself but it’s always been there lurking in the background, giving me the ammunition to let myself be dragged back into behaviours. I hope I can.

      3. At least it’s a beginning, and getting a good night’s sleep is probably necessary for any further improvement.

        Well, I’ll hope (and pray) with you that it’s possible, and that you make it this time.

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