Eating Disorder Recovery

End of week catch up.

Sometimes it seems like I am two people housed in the same body. There is the me that goes to classes and smiles, who makes jokes in the office whilst doing several jobs at once, and who appears confident and as though they know what they’re talking about. Then there is the other side and it is that side which I am finding hard to contain. It creeps in randomly throughout the day before settling into my entire body when the evening rolls around. It is leaving me exhausted. All this thinking about weight, food, numbers, what my body is doing or not doing, the headaches, the god-awful anxiety, it all combines to this crescendo and it makes me want to ache with sadness because I just want it to stop. I saw my doctor yesterday and he’s prescribed me propranolol to help with the anxiety, the difficulty is that I am kind of terrified to take it. This whole health anxiety takes over and I convince myself that I’m going to have an allergic reaction or it’s just going to cause me heart to randomly stop and then I get all psycho-somatic. I need to take it, that much is clear…I think I’m going to go stay at my parents tomorrow and take the first dose then and see if that helps things, the not being alone in case something happens thing.

I don’t know when all this started really. This insane illogical fear that something terrible is going to happen to my body. I never used to be like this, it never used to bother me. For years I threw everything I could into my system and it didn’t matter if it was alcohol, prescription meds or recreational drugs. I didn’t care, not about myself and not about consequences either, and my body took it all. Sure it complained but it was fine, it functioned. So why now??? Where the hell is all this coming from? And if I was so concerned with it then why am I still holding on to the eating disorder because surely that is the thing that is going to do the most damage to me and not some medication which has been prescribed for my benefit. My fears are irrational and I know that but for some reason it just doesn’t sink in.

At the moment, as much as I am hating the weight gain and find that the sight or feel of my flesh is intolerable to think of most of the time, I would rather be at a healthy weight with a repaired body than be like this. I would take the weight gain if I just felt human and strong. It isn’t worth it. Still I am missing out on life because of this disorder, I’m saying no to things because I’m too tired or it clashes with an eating time. It feels like I am continuously waiting for the time I get to leave and I don’t want to be like that. And that’s another thing…at the moment it just seems like I’m waiting to feel better. Waiting for my mood to improve, my anxiety to lessen, my body to get stronger. I am waiting and waiting and getting frustrated with myself and tired of the situation and instead of doing something to make those changes I am left feeling powerless. That makes no sense to me, and then I wonder what I could do to make it happen sooner and that seems undo-able and the cycle just continues.

Getting back on track with trauma work in therapy is proving difficult too. I still have two chapters to work through tonight which I’ve put off all week. My appointment is in the morning, we already identified that I’m censoring what I’m saying in my sessions and it’s true. I’m terrified of making certain links, as though if I do I will no longer be able to function in my present. I think I’ve already mentioned at some point on here about how I hate my worlds colliding, and this one would be a big collide. I’m not sure I’m ready to handle that. Also I get weighed in the morning which is never fun. I know it’s gone up. I want it to go up and yet I cannot stop hating it or being ashamed about it. It’s been a good few weeks that I have maintained on my increase plan without freaking out and losing all the weight again. I want to be proud about that but at the moment there is just too much going on for me to be ok with it. I don’t know how to tell her that it’s getting too much. I self harmed this week. The first time in over a year and a half. I should be more upset about it than I am, it should have confirmed that it wasn’t what I needed it to be anymore and that I don’t need to go back to it, but to be honest it just made me sad and want to do it again. I haven’t and I have no intention anymore to do it again…but I just. I’m so confused and tired.

So I’m going to try not think, and take my meds and knit and do my chapters and then tomorrow I will start my new meds and not freak out about them. I will get through my therapy appointment and I will go see my friend in a secure unit who I haven’t seen in over 2 years because she has been in some medium secure unit out of area. And I will continue to eat…no matter what the numbers say. Because I need to…because I want to be alive and not just here existing.


10 thoughts on “End of week catch up.

  1. Do you have to know how much you weigh? I use is to weigh myself daily before I started getting serious about recovery. Eventually my therapist came up with this idea: get on the scale backwards. That way I don’t know the number and I can’t fixate on it. I haven’t known my weight in about a year and half, and honestly that makes me feel good. That way I won’t go off the deep end if I am gaining or makeup for lost calories and eat/binge to get back to a “normal” weight. It is weird at first doing that, but I just make a nice joke of it when I am in a doctor’s office. People outside of healthcare thinks it insane, but hey, we are all insane (us with mental illness and those who aren’t). What is normal anyway? But try and bring up that idea and see if your therapist approve it. It def takes one thing off your plate to worry about.

    1. The place where I have treatment doesn’t do blind weigh in’s. They have the belief that we need to learn to accept our weight and that it does not define us. By avoiding it, we are giving it more power it deserves. I know some people really do prefer the backwards weighing, there are people that don’t want to know their weight at all. I Wish I was one of those people that did not need to know but I’m not. I’m getting better though at now weighing myself as often at home though. Thank-you for the suggestion though ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. If it helps you in your recovery that is all that matters. I think you get to beat this illness with any method you choose as long as you are winning the fight x

  2. I feel exactly as you do sometimes! Know that you’re not alone in this. Recovery is tough and it’s a daily battle—an endless pursuit. It’s something that gets better the more you go along! Hang in there dear!

  3. The constant waiting is familiar to me… I keep thinking I have to wait for something defining or extraordinary to happen before I can allow myself to gain weight, or to take other major steps. If I know something is the right thing to do, I shouldn’t wait for an external cue, but just say: Now is as good a time as any. Sometimes I suceed, sometimes I don’t…
    Seeing you’ve already written another entry after this one, I won’t ask too much… But how did seeing your friend go?

    1. You have to trust yourself that you know what the right thing to do is and when to do it. If we continue to wait for something else to establish that point, we just waste so much of our lives trapped in an endless cycle. It’s hard but I guess I try to imagine what the option would be…could I really see myself living a certain way, waiting for something for the next 5 years?

      It was good to see my friend, but also kind sad. Seeing how much her mental health and the system has worn her down was simply heartbreaking. As horrible as this may sound, it reminds me of why I’m fighting so damn hard to turn my life round because I don’t want that to end up being me.

      1. True. I do know what the right thing is and it’s definitely time – waiting for something outward is just an easy way to justify not doing it. I know I could, I just can’t decide if I really want to…

        That makes sense. I think it’s okay to take every reason you can that pushes you to continue the struggle. And I hope your friend will eventually get better as well…

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