Right now I’m supposed to be getting some work done and yet it is not getting done.
I thought that the universe was taking it easy on me today and my morning started promising. I was feeling ok, like I was finally been given some breathing space to just be for a couple of days. I had energy and hope that things were going to go smoothly for a little while but nope, reality decided to kick in and make other situations more stressful and then the eating disorder decided to jump on the band wagon and feed off that making me feel crap about myself which has led to massive anxiety mixed in with an unhappy stomach and a tension headache. I want to go to bed rather than go back into uni for my afternoon seminar. I want my thoughts to standstill and stop the constant nattering of how much of a shit I am and that the only way that anything will ever be ok is if I lose weight. If I limit myself, if I make myself smaller than nothing will hurt me because I’ll be too numb to give a damn.
God…I just want to throw the worlds biggest tantrum right now. I want to scream about how unfair all this is, but then I realise I am not 5 years old and it wouldn’t exactly be appropriate. Why does it always feel like I’m fighting one thing or the other? And why can’t I cope with it better?
I want to get out of my skin because it feels uncomfortable. My body feels wrong. I am stretching by the hour and even though I know that’s physically impossible I can not rationalise it enough to believe it. And I know that it has nothing to actually do with how I look but it’s a response to stress.
I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I don’t want to recover because I don’t want to have an eating disorder to begin with. I don’t want to pull myself together because I should never have fallen apart in the first place. I don’t want to rebuild, or fight, or make my life better because it was meant to have remained stood up how it should have been.
My doctor’s appointment got cancelled tomorrow and it’s now on Wednesday and I wonder if I can carry on for that long, not sleeping properly, functioning for half a morning, trying to keep the anxiety under control on my own and the physical complaints wiping me out. I’m going to have to. I have therapy tomorrow which means being weighed and I’m seriously stressed about that because I refused to have it checked last week and now it’s been two weeks and I keep imagining how much it’s gone up and it makes me want to stop it from happening anymore.
So I’m just having a really crappy afternoon and I think I’m in need of a hug but it just feels like there is no one I can turn to for that support…and now I have to pull myself together, leave the house, get to class, smile and appear as though I’m perfectly fine. I don’t want to do this.