I knew today that I could not let yesterdays mini breakdown in the uni foyer get the better of me. It would have been easier to let it derail me and I could have used it as a good enough excuse to let myself fall back into the eating disorder mind frame if I had chosen to. Somehow though it didn’t seem as such an attractive option as it once did. I think I’m beginning to respect myself enough to know that I deserve better than the false sense of comfort and safety that Anorexia once offered. It’s not an easy conclusion to come to, and yes there is this hole left in me that wants to grieve for that but I have to move on, even on the days that I don’t want to.
This isn’t going to be a long post but I just wanted to fill you in on how the day went. I managed to get to my class in one piece and stay for the whole thing which boosted my confidence a little and nobody overcrowded me with questions about what happened which made me feel so much better about the whole thing. I got through my meals even though the anxiety was quite unbearable at times and then I went for dinner at my Sisters house. I’m getting better at letting other people cook for me and have done it twice in the last couple of days, which is a huge deal for me. Physically things seem to have improved drastically from yesterday and I’m considering if it may have actually be the cigarettes that my Dad brought me back from Pakistan that could have been a factor. I decided to stop smoking them yesterday and go back to my regular ones so hopefully if that is the case then that’s easily fixed.
I am stronger than this damn disorder and I will win. My life won’t fall apart again because I won’t let it. I’m not losing anything anymore. I won’t. I need to learn how to relax and not over-think and stop being afraid all the time.
Tomorrow is the pasta challenge day. My plans changed but instead of using it as an excuse to put it off even longer I have decided that I’m going to still do it. I’m going shopping with my Mum and Sister and the plan is to have pasta for lunch. Wish me Luck!!!