Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Humiliated.

Yesterday I had one of those moments where it took every ounce of self-control I have to not completely have a melt down in public. I thought I was doing ok, that I would be able to get back on track and not have let the weekend undo all that I had begun to build…but nope. I lasted 35 minutes in class before realising I had to leave, that fighting through it was not going to happen. It was humiliating. What was more humiliating was having to sit in the foyer of my building, call my Dad to come and get me then wait 45 minutes without bursting in to tears because I was convinced that I was going to lose everything whilst attempting to control my breathing so that I would not pass out. Hot stinging tears burnt my eyes as the thought of how unfair all this is played through my mind continuously. “I’m eating more. I’m trying. I’m doing this recovery bullshit even thought it hurts…so why is my body still struggling? Why is this happening to me now?” My brain was jumping from one disastrous thought to the next. I won’t be able to get to my classes which means I’m going to fail my assessments, which then means I’ll fail the year and then have to drop out and all my hopes for the future are going to be over. I know it was all big leaps from one thing to the next but once the first started I couldn’t stop the rest. When my dad picked me up I just wanted to disappear and all I could think was maybe it was all this not knowing what’s going on with my body which is the worst part, maybe I’m not even bothered about it failing if that’s what it wants to do but it’s the waiting…if I just took things into my own hands again wouldn’t that be better…

No it wouldn’t. I know it wouldn’t because I do not want to witness or be party to my own destruction anymore. I am trying again today. I have to leave for lectures in an hour and I think more than anything that’s getting to me today is the anxiety. It’s like I’m constantly tuned into my body for slightest indication that it doesn’t feel right and it is stopping me from getting on with my day. I just want to be strong again because I’m really loathing feeling this damned fragile.

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4 thoughts on “Humiliated.

  1. Good luck! The fact that are you are trying again today shows that you have the nature to fight and move forward. Yes, there will be times when you take a step backward again – it would be unrealistic to expect anything else – but that happens in any battle, and it doesn’t mean the whole “victory” is lost. As you see, it did not happen after all that everything you had begn to build up was lost again.

    1. I think the trick is trying not to panic when things do feel like there moving backwards. It’s such a paralysing feeling. But I did move forward and am in a much better place tonight 🙂

  2. The hardest part is not relapsing. Good job on starting the day fresh. I have to do that daily. Especially after stressful day at work, or an accidental food binge day. The day after is always rough. It gets easier believe it or not!

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