I need to cry…I can feel that lump sitting somewhere between my chest and throat that won’t dislodge, but I can’t cry because I’m not home or alone, and even if I was I would still find it a struggle. I find crying difficult, either it’s because I won’t let myself or because I’m a cold-hearted bitch. Never sure which one. But the need occasionally comes upon me when I’m either exhausted, overwhelmed or angry. Currently I’m definitely the first two, and the third one isn’t far off.
The last few days have pushed me further than I have felt comfortable with as I have tried to negotiate the battle of staying with family and having an eating disorder. It’s not easy to do both, but it also probably explains how I could let my disorder get to the point that it did. Living alone allowed me to restrict the way I did and keep hold of all my little ‘quirks’ without really acknowledging how messed up they were. I was never questioned or challenged on a lot of things because no one ever really saw what was going on, which for me was a good thing at the time because it meant that I didn’t have to lie (I’m just not very good at it).
I went to go stay at my aunt’s house in a little town by the coast for the weekend with my mum and brother and it was nice to get out of the city, to shut myself down from technology but it was so very hard. I had been avoiding going for some time which is a shame because I used to go there all the time to stay when things became too much, it was my place to escape to, somewhere to slow down, rest, breathe, walk on the beach, stare at the sea, just bloody be! But ever since the eating disorder took over completely I have not wanted to go because the idea that my eating habits would be exposed to my aunt was something that made me deeply ashamed. I couldn’t explain to her (or myself) why things had to be a particular way. But, it was time…and my mum really wanted the break and I like hanging out with my aunt so off we went Friday morning after therapy (I talked in circles in my session and then decided that I didn’t want to be weighed so not a great start).
Packing for two days was like a military operation as I realised how much I was not ok with just eating the same as everyone else. I had to take everything of my own from milk to what I was going to have for lunch and dinner. I didn’t want to appear rude but I knew that my aunt had a little understanding and my mother is pretty much used to it now so that was fine. The Friday wasn’t too bad, sure I had to tolerate the tourists when we went into town and the weather was a nightmare, but I love the place. I love the peace that settles inside of me as I drive over the moors and the sea comes into view. I got through my snacks and meals. It was going fine. I was fine. I was handling the anxiety and my mood as best as I could.
Yesterday started off well, then we went into this other town which had to be the most depressing place I’ve ever been to. You could really tell how much the recession had hit it and in the wind and rain it seemed even bleaker. We started off at chain café/bar for snack and I faced my first hurdle of the day, white bread. Dry white toast and it upset me that I could not just order something that I actually wanted because that it wasn’t safe to do so. The next hurdle was figuring out lunch. I trailed between the limited cafes, everything screaming at me that I couldn’t eat anything they served, wholly aware that my aunt was struggling and needed to sit down (she’s not well with arthritis and other health concerns) and I began to panic. Finally I found a place that served soup, which I seemed to be able to tolerate. It came cold and they only had huge white bread rolls. Again, trying not to panic here. I couldn’t even attempt more than a third of the roll before I called it a day, but more stress settled in over unknown calories, had I eaten enough? too much? I can’t trust my body to let me know. Heading back I was trying to still the thoughts and focus on the driving which was helped by the fact that the weather meant I really had to concentrate. We then went to see my cousin, which was fairly enjoyable. I didn’t use to like her but it’s better now that we’re both adults. I said yes to coffee because I thought I wanted one and that’s what normal people do. They let other people make them coffee. “No sugar but SWEETNERS please?” “Ok” she tells me. I go into the lounge and take a sip of my drink then ask her again if she’s sure she’s used sweetener. Nope…she doesn’t have any. In that moment I wanted to first scream, then throw the cup at her head before finally running away from everyone. Sugar should NOT make me react that way. Instead I asked her if it was ok if I made another, which she was fine about.
Back at my aunts I began to feel unwell after tea and was just knackered. Then I headed back to my mums today and had lunch, which afterwards again I felt unwell. All hot and itchy and dizzy. I’m thinking it might have been the strawberries because they are the only thing that I’ve had that’s the same in the last two days, and I seem to be fine after taking some anti-histamines. Just a little drowsy, which is why I am facing another night at my mothers, which is why I probably want to cry. I want to go home and be alone and wallow and feel a little in control of something such as my environment. I’m going back first thing in the morning and my old CPN is bringing my new CPN to meet me at my house…and I’m not ok with that. I don’t want them in my house. I don’t want my spaces or worlds to collide like that, but I feel ridiculous for saying that and it’s too late to change place now.
So that’s the run down of my weekend, and I know it reads as a “then this happened, then that…” but I needed to get it out, get it away from me. I feel like I need to get back on track this week, catch up on everything that I’ve been slipping behind with, get my anxiety under some sort of control, see about maybe getting some meds prescribed to help me out for a little while, just so I can get through all this. It has to get easier/less intense.
I’m not tolerating my feelings and thoughts about my body and food too well at the moment, so we’re just going to skip over that tonight. If you’re still with me, I applaud you. Thanks. My weekend wasn’t terrible, it was just…I just once again saw how limitating and destructive this whole thing is and the more I want to shake it, the more it seems to tighten its chains. But enough, I’m tired. Hope you had a pleasant weekend.