Ever since the day I sat in my therapists office and admitted to needing more help because I didn’t know how to move forward; my motivation to beat this disorder has been pretty impressive. I have sustained the want to stay on top of my meal plan for over two weeks and I thought I had busted through the mental block that has been keeping me trapped for the last few months but it’s starting to crumble. Fast.
I have been avoiding mirrors, living in clothes that are loose and baggy, not sitting in certain positions because it made the feel of my body worse. I was doing ok with that. I was coping. I didn’t want to tear myself to pieces every minute of everyday. I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted to stay at a lower weight. I wanted my life more than the Anorexia. Sure there were cracks, a rush of thoughts that threatened to pick at the patchwork stitches of repair but it was the rage that I have mentioned a few times that kept me from indulging in those ideas. The anger is lessening and a tiredness has taken route. I am self-conscious all the time, my eyes can not meet another’s, my hands are constantly hiding the lower half of my face and I spend so long with my body tensed up from anxiety that I begin to lose the feeling in my limbs and by the end of the day my muscles ache.
Today I attempted to have my meals and snacks and at some point decided that it might be possible for me to be suddenly allergic to nuts and I was going to have a reaction, and then earlier I had decided that I’d had too much sugar and my body couldn’t cope and it was going to make me ill. Entirely ridiculous streams of thoughts with no basis, but it didn’t stop me from throwing the peanut butter in the bin and then restricting my sugar intake at dinner. It makes no sense, logically I know that it won’t happen and yet…here I am after spending the last several hours that things are fine. I don’t know what comes first, the physical effects of the mental, all I know is that they collide at some point and leave me with the feeling that the world is about to come crashing down. I can’t focus in classes even though my lectures are really interesting and I want to be present for them. Instead I just sit there, latching on to words in the hope that I can pull enough of them together to write my reflective notes.
I don’t know what to do or how to make it better. I just feel wrong which translates into feeling fat which obviously could be solved if I just lost weight therefore fixing everything and making me feel ok…and that’s bullshit. I suppose the plus side is that I can actually see the pattern of my thoughts now.
I need to rest and switch my brain off. Hopefully I will make a little more sense later.