No! Thoughts go away.

Ever since the day I sat in my therapists office and admitted to needing more help because I didn’t know how to move forward; my motivation to beat this disorder has been pretty impressive. I have sustained the want to stay on top of my meal plan for over two weeks and I thought I had busted through the mental block that has been keeping me trapped for the last few months but it’s starting to crumble. Fast.

I have been avoiding mirrors, living in clothes that are loose and baggy, not sitting in certain positions because it made the feel of my body worse. I was doing ok with that. I was coping. I didn’t want to tear myself to pieces every minute of everyday. I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted to stay at a lower weight. I wanted my life more than the Anorexia. Sure there were cracks, a rush of thoughts that threatened to pick at the patchwork stitches of repair but it was the rage that I have mentioned a few times that kept me from indulging in those ideas. The anger is lessening and a tiredness has taken route. I am self-conscious all the time, my eyes can not meet another’s, my hands are constantly hiding the lower half of my face and I spend so long with my body tensed up from anxiety that I begin to lose the feeling in my limbs and by the end of the day my muscles ache.

Today I attempted to have my meals and snacks and at some point decided that it might be possible for me to be suddenly allergic to nuts and I was going to have a reaction, and then earlier I had decided that I’d had too much sugar and my body couldn’t cope and it was going to make me ill. Entirely ridiculous streams of thoughts with no basis, but it didn’t stop me from throwing the peanut butter in the bin and then restricting my sugar intake at dinner. It makes no sense, logically I know that it won’t happen and yet…here I am after spending the last several hours that things are fine. I don’t know what comes first, the physical effects of the mental, all I know is that they collide at some point and leave me with the feeling that the world is about to come crashing down. I can’t focus in classes even though my lectures are really interesting and I want to be present for them. Instead I just sit there, latching on to words in the hope that I can pull enough of them together to write my reflective notes.

I don’t know what to do or how to make it better. I just feel wrong which translates into feeling fat which obviously could be solved if I just lost weight therefore fixing everything and making me feel ok…and that’s bullshit. I suppose the plus side is that I can actually see the pattern of my thoughts now.

I need to rest and switch my brain off. Hopefully I will make a little more sense later.


5 thoughts on “No! Thoughts go away.

  1. I don’t know if this helps, but I have started writing out my conversations with Ana in my head. I write down the thoughts I am having and then respond as if she were sitting right in front of me saying these things. I make her a separate entity from myself. It isn’t fixing it entirely, but it helps me remember I am not my eating disorder.

  2. A lot of people write out the conversations or negative thoughts. I have done it as well. I now have a dry erase board in my closet where no one sees it but me and I write/scribble down something when I don’t have time to journal. Have you picked up the book “Life Without Ed” by Jenni Schafer? That was the first book I read when I started my recovery. It helps a lot. It also has good ideas for activities. I know when I first started recovery, and still do, I either pray or read my stack of quotes to help the thoughts go away.

    1. I’ve been using the recovery app I mentioned in a previous post which has been quite helpful in tracking my negative thoughts, but I do find having lots of quotes helpful too. I haven’t got the book yet but I will do at some point. I’ve heard lots of good things about it. Stay strong in your recovery πŸ™‚

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