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Anxiety.

For some reason today I am feeling ridiculously anxious and I’m not sure why. It seems to have come from nowhere and it holds itself coiled round my neck making it hard to breathe and sending spasms through my muscles. It scares me, not the thing I am supposedly anxious about but the response that my body seems to be sending out. It feels like I don’t have any control over it. I can not will myself into making the shaking or headaches stop. I am trying to figure out how much of it though is anxiety, or how much of it is residual effects from being ill and is the fact that I got up at 4am this morning playing a part in it. I could probably guess that it’s a bit of everything. Talking to a friend tonight I had the thought that maybe this anxiety which seems to have come from nowhere is because of the fact that I wasn’t well. I have this thing where I don’t like to be vulnerable or need people and both of those things have happened this week, and maybe it is that sense of vulnerability that has made me more aware of just how fragile the human body is and that alone is making me anxious. I have done all this shit to it over the years and as much as I want to say I take it back, I can’t take it back and maybe the anxiety comes from the thinking of maybe I have pushed it too far out of the limits it’s willing to accept. Either way, words don’t mean anything to a physical functioning thing so therefore I need to show my respect for my body by allowing it to be nourished correctly. I cannot hold on to restriction and then cry when there is a fault with how it runs. So I’m going to keep going and keep challenging and take one step closer to forgiveness and acceptance.

I’m also back home tonight which is good because things kind of resulted in bigger arguments between family members and I don’t know how to handle people shouting. It makes something inside of me shut down, but it also means that I am going to have to sit with my anxiety all night and not let it get the better of me. I feel like if I just get through tonight then things might be ok in the morning. The weekend will be over which is better for me and this crappy day of the alarms going back and screwing up my body clock a little more will be over.

Other good and scary news…I made a lunch date with my friend to have pasta in a couple of weeks. It’s one of my biggest food fears and I have always refused/avoided challenging it, but I need to. The plan is to go to Italy in the summer, it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go and having it as motivation for reaching my targets seemed like a good enough reason. But I cannot go to Italy and not eat pasta, it would be pointless. Going to Italy means experiencing the food and that can’t be done whilst I hold on to my fears or restrictions. So I’m going to do it. And it won’t kill me.

I’m going to attempt to either distract myself or shut down for a bit and just ride through tonight as best I can. Hope you’re having an ok Sunday.

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7 thoughts on “Anxiety.

  1. Eating Pasta in Italy sounds like a wonderful idea πŸ™‚ I am hoping to return to Paris but this time actually eat a croissant! If you go ahead with you’re challenge I will embark upon some croissant practice for Paris! Ed won’t know whats hit him!! xxx

  2. Pasta was of my scariest foods, right up on the top 5 list> I simply refused to eat it and that was just 2 months ago. I eat it everyday now, sometimes twice. When I buy it, I divide it up into serving size bags so when it’s time to cook, I just grab a serving and toss it in the pot. If I have to measure it all And cook it AND eat it, oy, way too much stress. I also learned to eye ball a serving by cooking it and putting it on different size plates so that when I go out I will be able to know what a normal portion is and not freak out. I still haven’t ate pasta away from the house but that is because pasta around here is not all vegan, as it ought to be. Plus, eating out… huge challenge in itself.

    Going to Italy is a fabulous motivational tool. Just think that when you get back, you’ll hopefully have gained a whole new okay food. πŸ™‚

    1. Go you for challenging it then!! I think the more we expose ourselves to the things that frighten us the easier they get. I have seen that work for other things that I thought I would never be able to eat again and so the same should apply to this. That’s a really good idea though about pre-portioning the into smaller bags and definitely something I will have a go at. I can understand the fear of eating out too and hopefully given enough time that becomes a less anxiety provoking situation too. Just try to remember how far you’ve come and if you’re capable of doing that than you are capable of going further. Keep going love πŸ™‚

  3. You can do it! I know how scared you are; anxiety is my biggest hurdle in this battle. I get so anxious whenever there is an unplanned meal or when I feel like I have eaten more that i should. But it is just that: a battle. And you are a warrior and a survivor. You have made the right choices this far. Keep trusting yourself and listening to that healthy voice instead of ED. Have you ever read Life Without ED? It’s a great little gem that gives a lot of helpful advice. Stay strong!

    1. Thank you πŸ™‚ Anxiety is a bloody pain in the butt isn’t it? I’m going to stay in this battle and I hope you do too. I haven’t read Life Without ED but I’ve heard of it, maybe I’m beginning to reach that point where I’m ready to read it. Don’t give up on yourself and don’t let your fears overwhelm you.

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