For some reason today I am feeling ridiculously anxious and I’m not sure why. It seems to have come from nowhere and it holds itself coiled round my neck making it hard to breathe and sending spasms through my muscles. It scares me, not the thing I am supposedly anxious about but the response that my body seems to be sending out. It feels like I don’t have any control over it. I can not will myself into making the shaking or headaches stop. I am trying to figure out how much of it though is anxiety, or how much of it is residual effects from being ill and is the fact that I got up at 4am this morning playing a part in it. I could probably guess that it’s a bit of everything. Talking to a friend tonight I had the thought that maybe this anxiety which seems to have come from nowhere is because of the fact that I wasn’t well. I have this thing where I don’t like to be vulnerable or need people and both of those things have happened this week, and maybe it is that sense of vulnerability that has made me more aware of just how fragile the human body is and that alone is making me anxious. I have done all this shit to it over the years and as much as I want to say I take it back, I can’t take it back and maybe the anxiety comes from the thinking of maybe I have pushed it too far out of the limits it’s willing to accept. Either way, words don’t mean anything to a physical functioning thing so therefore I need to show my respect for my body by allowing it to be nourished correctly. I cannot hold on to restriction and then cry when there is a fault with how it runs. So I’m going to keep going and keep challenging and take one step closer to forgiveness and acceptance.
I’m also back home tonight which is good because things kind of resulted in bigger arguments between family members and I don’t know how to handle people shouting. It makes something inside of me shut down, but it also means that I am going to have to sit with my anxiety all night and not let it get the better of me. I feel like if I just get through tonight then things might be ok in the morning. The weekend will be over which is better for me and this crappy day of the alarms going back and screwing up my body clock a little more will be over.
Other good and scary news…I made a lunch date with my friend to have pasta in a couple of weeks. It’s one of my biggest food fears and I have always refused/avoided challenging it, but I need to. The plan is to go to Italy in the summer, it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go and having it as motivation for reaching my targets seemed like a good enough reason. But I cannot go to Italy and not eat pasta, it would be pointless. Going to Italy means experiencing the food and that can’t be done whilst I hold on to my fears or restrictions. So I’m going to do it. And it won’t kill me.
I’m going to attempt to either distract myself or shut down for a bit and just ride through tonight as best I can. Hope you’re having an ok Sunday.