Things are looking a little better today, I can stand without feeling as though I’m falling and my head doesn’t feel like it’s about to implode so I’m taking that as a hopeful sign that I will be back to full working order by Monday in time for the craziness that my weeks tend to be these days. I’m still staying at my parents house but things are starting to get a little strained, not so much anything specific, but it’s family and in a confined area people start to work on people’s nerves. The weekends are obviously harder because people are in the house rather than at work or school and I am not used to all the activity that family life brings anymore. I live alone. My house is quiet and contained, nobody wanders in and out of rooms leaving their shit everywhere and making a mess, nobody leaves the doors open and lets the heat out, and there is certainly no yelling at one another from other ends of the house. Lord knows how I’d cope if I ever decided to have a family and kids of my own. I would have to figure out how to be part of a bigger unit again rather than just focusing on myself. I know that I sound selfish and in some ways I am. I need my own space to process everything that happens in my world on a day-to-day basis and that environment has to be stable, it has to be ordered and structured to something that feels reasonably safe to me and quite often that does not include other people who I can find overpowering.
Anyway enough about that…Let’s get back on to recovery because this is what this blog is supposed to be about and not me getting distracted with the run of the mill moaning I am prone to every now and again.
Yesterday I had my therapy appointment at the unit and as I mentioned in an earlier post I had been quite terrified of going, mainly because of the weigh in and me not having any idea what that was going to be as my sense of self perception has been completely off lately and so I am trying not to pay it much attention, knowing that what I see in the mirror is probably more to do with what’s going on in my head than an actual significant change to my body. The strangest thing though was that I didn’t know if I was afraid of it going up or going down, each outcome seemed just as bad as the other. When it happened though I can confidently say that the sky didn’t fall and the earth did not stop spinning. Instead I had an odd feeling, yes it was a struggle to see that the number had gone up, but at the same time I was disappointed in myself that it had only gone up by such a small amount that seemed disproportionate to the amount of effort I had put in, and then again at the same time it was a relief to see that I could actually eat more without it sky-rocketing in an uncontrollable manner. It was a conflicting moment.
The rest of the appointment was helpful and for the first time probably I came away feeling better than what I had done going in. I think part of it is because we were just talking and not looking at any trauma work or making adjustments to my diet. I can see myself beginning to trust her more, be able to open up and say things that I haven’t said out loud before, like how I spent last Saturday at home crying randomly because suddenly I had this moment of thinking no one is ever going to want to be with me and no one is ever going to be capable of loving me which then just spiralled into “I am going to die alone. Miserable and not even with cats because I don’t like cats.” Speaking those words before made me feel too exposed and put me in a position that felt uncomfortable, but it felt ok telling her that on Friday.
The last couple of days the fight has still continued. I have not used being ill as a reason to allow myself to skip out on meals. I’m keeping to my increases more, attempting to be more relaxed around certain things such as how much milk I use and not having to have exact amounts of something. I have a lot of challenges that need to get done and I don’t want to be in the position in a few months time where I’m still sat on here telling you about how I haven’t done them yet. I’ve been out of treatment for 10 months and so I need to just get on with it now, no more taking it easy on myself and saying that I’ll do them…but just later. I can’t keep putting them off because that’s how you miss out on most of your life, you spend your life waiting for the right moment to make it happen and then you realise that your out of time. I don’t want that. I want to be here and present for my life. I’m working on it and it’s been some time since I’ve felt like I’m making actual progress but I feel like I’m making it now.
Last note I promise: I have discovered the RR app for eating disorders recovery on my phone and it is quite amazing and really helpful so if you’re looking then I can completely recommend you check it out. I don’t want to sound like I’m selling it here, because I’m not…I have nothing invested in it, other than it seems to be working for me at the moment to keep me focused and therefore may have the potential to work for you too.
Have a good night x