Being upbeat and positive these last couple of days has been a little bit of a challenge. Just when I thought I had the right frame of mind in place for fighting the crappiness that is Anorexia, my body decides that it doesn’t want to play so nice anymore, and whilst I can’t blame it for all that I put it through I can’t help but feel like it’s letting me down again, failing me somehow. It’s not something that I should be taking personally but if I’m honest I am a little. My doctor thought it could be a water infection and prescribed me antibiotics but they haven’t seemed to have helped and it all seems to be getting worse. I was told to stop the antibiotics as I could be just having a bad reaction to them, but he doesn’t know…It’s a see how things are in the morning kind of scenario at the moment.
Thankfully though rather than running back to restriction and hiding in that, I have become more frustrated and short-tempered with this damn disorder and it is only motivating my desire to recover, to treat my body better, to make myself stronger so that I have some reserves in me to fight common illnesses that just happen, rather than them completely throwing my life upside down. Take for example this week…I have had so much that I have needed to do and it has kind of crumbled around me. I’m going to have to miss a lecture tomorrow and it’s hard not to be annoyed at myself about that. I expect more of myself!!! I’m staying at my parents house, or have been staying here for the last few days and it hasn’t been too bad. It is possible that it’s because I’ve been leaving first thing in the morning believing that I’ll be fine before returning late evening, shaking and getting that rushing sensation in my head that has me convinced that I’m about to faint, my pride and independence trailing somewhere on the floor behind me. Either I’m kind of thankful for my parents right now. Despite the struggles that I face with them, I cannot doubt that they do love me and only want what is best for me even if they don’t know what that is.
So I am camped out on the couch feeling pretty rubbish and trying not to freak out about the fact that I haven’t weighed myself all week and I have no idea what my body is doing but knowing that I still have to eat and keep on top of my meal plan. I still want this though and I still think it’s important that I fight for my life back and not let it be taken from me without a fight. I have to believe that I’m worth more than that. So I’m going to…(fingers crossed that I feel better in the morning)