The time has come when I no longer want to crawl back into that hole of anorexia. I am tired of believing all the lies I tell myself and listening to the voice that whispers it will make everything else better, that in that space I will find that I am safe. Even though I have been in recovery for some time and logically I know that all those thoughts are not the truth but a twisted way for the eating disorder to keep a death grip on me it is still hard to distinguish the difference to when that changed, when it stopped being a thing that I hoped would save me and became the thing that was just trying to kill me.
For too long I have been tired. My body wants to fail, my thinking gets foggy, my focus is lacking and I forget how to even do the basic things. But yesterday something in me changed after talking to a friend and I recognised in me an outrageousness that I have never felt before, and the more I thought about it, the more I was able to see that it had been on its way for a while and it was about time that it got here.
So here it is…I am pissed off. I am fed up, close to tears-sick to death, frustrated and furious. But for the first time not with myself. I am angry at the eating disorder because the eating disorder is not me. I am angry that it felt like it had the right to come into my life and dismantle it piece by piece, that it took away my strength and left me stripped bare. How dare it do that? An eating disorder is a devastating illness, it is cold, cruel and shows no mercy. It doesn’t just take away the ability to nourish your body, but it takes everything. You no longer can do what is good for your soul or let people in. You deny the existence of friendships, and want to drive your family away because they get in the way of your one way mission to self-destruction. You wrap up your life in an ugly little box and put it on a high shelf and the eating disorder makes you to begin to forget that it’s there.
I feel that an ending has to come soon. I know that I can’t do this anymore, living my life half-heartedly with one side attempting recovery whilst the other keeps the fire of the disorder going. I have no room or need for Anorexia in my life anymore, I don’t need to live in its fantasy land because the real one hurts too much, and no that doesn’t mean the real world has stopped hurting, it’s just I need to stop adding more fuel to it. Maybe all this time I have been looking for motivation in the wrong place, perhaps all I ever had to do was get pissed off. I know this doesn’t change anything really, it’s not going to let me just eat and be ok with it and it’s not going to shut the anxiety or voices up. It just means that any sense of connection or loyalty I had for the eating disorder is no longer present. The only person I need to be loyal to now is myself and that means doing what is good for me. So I am going to recover and I am going to build a life that I am proud of.
As a friend told me yesterday: “Be pissed at your eating disorder, but not at yourself because you are not IT. Use that as motivation for fighting this horrible illness.”