Lately I’ve been thinking about all the things I don’t or can’t say and the things that swirl around in my head, burning me to the bone before they begin to trip over themselves causing me to mutter and stumble until it becomes easier to retreat into silence. It seems to be that all that time I spent thinking myself worthless spread to me thinking that anything I had to say was invalid and not worthy of being heard too. Somehow I have to change that, purely just because it is becoming too difficult to even voice an opinion and that is not very helpful when there are class debates to be had and policies to change and training to be given. I mean how am I going to be able to get up in front or a room filled with councillors and make them listen when just telling someone how my day went feels like hard work?
So here are some of the things that I should:
Classmates: Shut the hell up! I’m trying to listen and you are being extremely rude and distracting right now. You are not in school anymore. It is no longer cool to sit at the back of the class and talk whilst another is, it’s just bloody disrespectful. Where you not taught manners as a child?. You might want to waste your time talking about how drunk you got last night and the party you are going to at the weekend but I don’t give a shit. Be quiet or don’t come at all…I am trying to learn.
Mother: It doesn’t cross my mind that you don’t love me or want the best for me but whilst you are searching for all the things that are making it hard for me to recover and telling me that I need to cut back on work hours before I get any worse you might want to take a look at yourself. You are still doing it! Even on my birthday all you could talk about at dinner was how much weight you were going to be putting on from that meal alone, how terrible a person you are for having it, how you’ll just have less tomorrow. You spent so long justifying to yourself out loud how you could eat that meal and then the cake, and then you focus on how crap you feel afterwards and how sick it is making you feel. Do you know how hard that is to hear? Have you even looked in a mirror lately? You don’t even look like my Mum anymore and I know that I can’t ever be happy for you and it’s not because you have lost weight or that I’m jealous that you are allowed to but because I know how the highs of a decreasing scale can take over and it seems that has become the most important thing in your life now. It makes me sad how you can’t see what you are doing or the impact you are having. It makes me not want to see you anymore.
Friend: I’m losing count of how many times you have let me down and failed to be there. I have tried to keep it going, swallow your excuses without words of complaint and try to reschedule my whole diary again but it is getting harder and my patience is wearing thin. I’m tired of feeling devastated every time you fail to show and I know I should expect it now but I always think that maybe this time you will come through. Can you just please just decide whether you have time, actually show up and if you do have to cancel please could you give me more than 5 minutes notice? I miss you.
CPN: It’s been 2 and half weeks since you were supposed to call with the details of my new coordinator but I have not heard from you. I understand you may be busy with moving jobs but I have a strong suspicion you might have just forgotten. You have the habit of doing that don’t you? I was in hospital for over 4 months before you contacted me and since I got out your appointments have been sporadic at best and you have had a look on your face that you could be doing something better. For goodness sake you took them down to every 5 weeks without me having a saying it. Why would I ever admit to you how much I am struggling when I see you that little and when I do you are unhelpful? I would tell you to change your career because you suck as a nurse but maybe that is a little too harsh.
Therapist: I’m losing time again. It hurts inside. I’m not suicidal in that I want to die, I just don’t want to fight anymore. The pain I am feeling inside is getting beyond my capabilities to cope. Help.
Colleague: You talk out of date statistics and definitions that are unhelpful to the cause. You shifts people attitude on the topic at a hand but it’s not in a positive way. You push them further from the truth and create an image that doesn’t represent a general truth. Pack it in because I don’t want to have to live with the attitudes you create or clean up the mess afterwards. You do realise you are dong exactly the opposite of the job description right?
Looking over those statements it may be interpreted that I’m angry or bitter or even searching for someone else to blame for things that don’t feel right rather than looking inwards. I’m not, it is down to me how I choose to react to these current situations, they are not excuses for me to stay trapped in my disorder, but rather the ramblings of a seriously frustrated person who just needed to get a few things off her chest, even if it’s just on here. I have spent too long attempting to censor myself in the hope that it doesn’t give anyone another reason to walk away from me but in the process I am losing my voice and opinion. It isn’t good for my soul and it is wrecking my confidence. I have to realise that I am no longer in a place where my thoughts can be used against me to deny me my freedom. I am tired of staying quiet.