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Half a goal met.

It was on a Sunday about a year and a half ago when I turned to my Mother and told her that by the time I was 25 I was going to be back at University and recovered from my eating disorder. I got halfway there. Today I’m 25 and although I’m back in School and starting to re-find my commitment to recovery I still have some ways to go. Yes, I have to look at how far I’ve come and be a little proud of myself for that, for the rebuilding that has already begun, but for me it isn’t enough. I don’t want to still be inhabiting the same space as something that is trying to kill me and I don’t want my view on the world to be defined by a reflection in the mirror or a number on the scale. Already today I am on the edge of tears about the size that I am changing into and knowing that in a couple of hours I’m going to get weighed. It is suddenly seeming like it was a very stupid idea that I had breakfast this morning. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with what it reads, whether it will trigger another spell of restriction that reaches out of my control or whether I will be able to carry on eating my new plan that is going to be increased again today.

I don’t want to be sad today. I don’t want to feel like this or be stuck in my brain somewhere. Can I not just be a normal person for one day?

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3 thoughts on “Half a goal met.

  1. I know what you feel, on the one hand wanting to get rid of the eating disorder, be “normal” and focus on things that really matter; yet on the other hand so scared of gaining wieght. But I’m glad to hear that you have been making use of the eating plan! I hope when you see the number on the scale, you can accept it and not fall back into a pattern of restriction, even if it scares you, even if it feels like drowning. I know it’s hard, but remember that it’s not the scale that defines who you are, so don’t give it the power to define the decisions you make!!! I’ll be thinking of you. And I hope you find something that makes you really happy today, even if it’s just a little thing, a detail, a beautifully colored fall leaf perhaps, your favorite song on the radio, a message from a friend – something that shows you how beautiful life can be!

    1. Thanks love. I thought it was going to be worse and that the numbers would go up so much it would cause my world to crumble (I know that’s a lot of pressure for numbers) but they didn’t. It was hard but I tolerated it and didn’t react by falling back into patterns. It got better today and I did get to smile so yea…I got to see some beauty in life today ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. That is so good to hear ๐Ÿ™‚ Especially as I have also been thinking about the power of numbers lately, how I really don’t want the numbers on the scale to define my lifestyle, but other values that matter much more. So I am very glad that you are able to tolerate it. I hope you get to see a lot more beauty, even in things that have not seemed beautiful to you so far!

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