It was on a Sunday about a year and a half ago when I turned to my Mother and told her that by the time I was 25 I was going to be back at University and recovered from my eating disorder. I got halfway there. Today I’m 25 and although I’m back in School and starting to re-find my commitment to recovery I still have some ways to go. Yes, I have to look at how far I’ve come and be a little proud of myself for that, for the rebuilding that has already begun, but for me it isn’t enough. I don’t want to still be inhabiting the same space as something that is trying to kill me and I don’t want my view on the world to be defined by a reflection in the mirror or a number on the scale. Already today I am on the edge of tears about the size that I am changing into and knowing that in a couple of hours I’m going to get weighed. It is suddenly seeming like it was a very stupid idea that I had breakfast this morning. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with what it reads, whether it will trigger another spell of restriction that reaches out of my control or whether I will be able to carry on eating my new plan that is going to be increased again today.
I don’t want to be sad today. I don’t want to feel like this or be stuck in my brain somewhere. Can I not just be a normal person for one day?