I rested this weekend, and by rested I mean not running around trying to do a hundred different things at once but just staying at home mostly and trying to study. I’m managing it I think, trying to tolerate myself without the need to distract or move whilst at the same time attempting to hit my meal plan increases. It’s half-way there, which I guess is better than nothing but at the same time being easy on myself in regards to my meal plan is what has led me to this position in the first place so I don’t really want to do that either or nothing will change. I will get there eventually even if I do it kicking and screaming or swearing till I’m blue in the face, I will make it. I will be more than this, a proper human perhaps rather than just feeling like I’m playing pretend most of the time.
What helps is being involved in life, that’s the difference this time. I am an active participant of the world and there are such amazing things happening and I’m so glad that I am not missing it all anymore. Last night I went to go see a friends play as part of our city’s mental health arts festival and it was stunning. I’d been going along to rehearsals and read the script countless of times but the actual performance still left me speechless. He is a genius and as I was sat there watching there were so many times I wanted to leave my seat and go find him so that I could just hug him for all that he went through and for all he overcame. He changed his ending!
At times I get so frustrated and tired by the cruelness of mental health problems. I don’t want to just close my eyes to the chaos or misery it creates…I just want it not to exist. I want it to piss the hell off and stop destroying people’s lives. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it this month just because there is so much focus on it, which is great for raising awareness but when that is all you are hearing or thinking about, it can be hard to switch off. And it’s not as though I can just leave it at work because when I get home, when I’m having a couple of hours off from it, there is still my own mental health to battle against.
One day it won’t always be like this. More battles will be won rather than lost. I won’t carry it with me anymore like an unbounded broken arm. I will heal and yes the scars will be there and the memory will never leave entirely but it won’t be everything. It won’t take up every space and nook and cranny in my mind and soul.