Twice today I have sat in offices and made myself vulnerable and I do not like it. I do not like this feeling that makes me feel horribly exposed and weak but I know it is the only way to move forward, that I had to let my guard down and stop saying I’m fine in order to stop this thing that is beginning to overwhelm me.
The first was a routine check in appointment with my GP this morning for meds and mood monitoring. I walked in trying to ignore the need to cry and told him that I was struggling. The thing was that I didn’t need to have even told him, he could tell and I think I was relieved by that, the fact that he knows me well enough to not make me verbalise things that I don’t have the words to talk about. He is a wonderful doctor who genuinely gives a shit and he gets frustrated on his patients behalf when there is nothing he can do other than be there. He has seen the eating disorder dismantle me and then watched as I began to piece myself back together and he wants to stop me going back to that place again. The current plan is that he is going to get in touch with my therapist and have a chat to see if there is anything more that he could be doing and he has put my monthly appointments to fortnightly just so he can keep a closer eye on my mood.
The second appointment was with my therapist at the eating disorders unit. There was no space to bullshit her, or try to make things sound better than they are and I asked for her help. I admitted that I could not do this anymore on my own…it had gone too far beyond my capabilities to cope. We talked about my mood for a while, what had been going on then we got on to the food and meals. I told her I needed someone to sit and do my meal-plans with me. I no longer knew what I was even aiming for or what a normal meal looked like and I needed someone to tell me it was ok. I was looking for that permission I talked about. We went through what I had been eating and it was clear in that setting that it had not been anywhere near enough, so we started a new one. We got halfway through what a day should look like before we ran out of time and I felt like I had enough changes to contend with till next week. It’s going to be a challenge and yet I know that it is still not enough to get me back in to target, that’s going to require me to find something else within myself to get me through. The weigh in only confirmed that I needed to do this now, take back some control whilst at the same time hand some over to another person. I think I’m at the point where I am beginning to trust her enough to let this happen.
Focusing on today, I went to get my Mum to go to the supermarket (side note – My Dad’s back tomorrow so will no longer have to do this! Massive relief) and attempt to shop for the week ahead. It wasn’t a raving success but it wasn’t a complete fail either. In the end I didn’t buy very much but got some things that I had agreed to put in my meal plan which are a little bit terrifying for me. I was in there 2 hours and I’m sure my Mother wanted to shake me with frustration by the end of it having watched me pick up countless items, consider the idea of them inside me and then put them back. It was painful and maybe next time I need to go in a bit better prepared. We got back to my Mum’s house and my brother and his girlfriend stopped by which was a little awkward because I was trying to figure out what I was going to have for snack and already felt stressed enough without having someone else there watching. Our conversation led to how I was getting on and so I told her that I was finding it hard and that I am having to increase and her response was “but you’ve never looked so good. You look really healthy now, just right.” which was then followed on by comments about how much I have to eat and how she never has snacks and could never imagine having to eat as much as me etc. Really UNHELPFUL! I tried to explain that I am not healthy at the moment according to the numbers on the scale or how I physically feel but it was hard to then drown out the thoughts that maybe I am actually ok and that I didn’t need to gain weight and all I’m simply doing is blowing everything out of proportion. I don’t think I need to explain that battle and everything it entails…
So the current situation is…increase, don’t panic and get some rest over the weekend which is not going to be easy considering that I am a walking ball of anxiety who has been avoiding stopping for quite some time. Wish me luck!