I’m slightly worried about where things are heading and I’m terrified that even knowing is not enough to stop me. I understood that things haven’t been as great as they could be but I didn’t want to admit just how much I have let the Anorexia seep inside my brain and grab on to it for dear life. Nothing drastic has happened to make me realise this, it is not like before when I was spinning into this thing wrapped up in full-blown denial and a death wish. It was a small thing, it was the way I stood in a café yesterday opting for the safer lunch whilst a friend tried to support me to have a bread roll with it. It wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even pick it up off the display case.
And so I stood there, knowing that I was swinging between running out of the café completely or throwing a 2-year-old temper tantrum in front of everybody if I tried to meet this challenge. So I didn’t. I had my lunch because it wasn’t just me challenging stuff today at our table…but all throughout it and then after as I made my way to class all I could think was “When the hell did that happen? When did I get so afraid again that it would reduce me to that person?” The more I thought about it, the more I came to see that it hadn’t just happened and had cropped up out of nowhere. Nope…It had been happening for weeks slowly and I had made the choice to not acknowledge it by avoiding the possibility of having anything a little bit threatening. Lots of little thoughts had slipped in again, certain foods had been crossed off the list of acceptable foods. Fears and beliefs had overtaken logic and I began to see how restrictive I have become again.
What worries me is that this could always be an issue. This is what happens with me. I take my eye off the ball and distract myself with a string of other things and it begins all over again and the attempt to build myself up after everything has fallen apart re-starts. I am hoping me seeing this now will be enough to motivate me into action, to stop this entire thing before it all begins to tumble. I don’t need another brutal wake up call. I am awake. My eyes are now open. I just need a plan that I can’t talk myself out of or adapt in a way that keeps the anorexia happy whilst it goes about destroying my body and life.
I see my therapist on Friday and it’s been a few weeks since our last appointment and the weigh in. I think despite how loud the eating disorder has become I have managed to at least maintain my weight. I’m not sure. I hate weigh days, always have and yes I am aware that I let a meaningless number have far too much importance or value in my world. I’m trying to decide whether to ask to see the dietician, maybe if someone else actually does a meal plan with me and in a sense gives me permission to have those foods it might make the guilt a little easier. I am unsure but I am running out of ideas. I hate to say this but I think I need someone else to step in and take away a bit of the control (not sure if control is the right word though) for a little while.
I can’t let the Anorexia back in fully and I can’t let it take everything from me and ruin my life again. I can’t let it demolish all that I have built and undo all the work I have put in. I worked to damned hard to lose or fail. I can’t let it in because I won’t survive it this time. I don’t think I’d want to.