Eating Disorder Recovery

Busy days.

This week is going to be one of those weeks that I will be pissed at myself for not engaging in full recovery. Honestly it is scaring me how much I have to do and all the places I have to be. I know I will get through it, that I will meet the deadlines and get to the events, I’m just worried about the impact it’s going to have after, and what’s more, I’m really concerned that I am not going to enjoy myself, because that’s the thing…A lot of the things that I am doing are in themselves amazing things. The more I try to distance myself from the reality of the eating disorder, the harder it grabs me and refuses to let me forget. I am tired of this crap.

Last night was the launch night of this big project I’ve been working on for months and it went really well thankfully. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through it as it was one of those morning when everything just seemed to be going wrong in my own little world. I didn’t get as much work done as I wanted to in the morning because I couldn’t focus, then I decided I didn’t like the cardigan I bought so went to get a new one but couldn’t find one. Then I just thought about getting a new dress but the clothes in the shop wouldn’t fit…so I came home. My make-up didn’t want to go on well, my hair was frustrating me and I looked fat in the (other new) dress that I had bought for the event. It was all superficial and I was just trying to feel good about myself for once and the way I looked, but it didn’t happen. So despite my little non drama’s. People seemed to have a good time and enjoy the work and I did a lot of smiling and networking. It’s still weird for me to do stuff like that, to have to engage with all these professionals and be seen as one of them rather than the out of control patient that I once was. There is the hope I won’t always have to pull character costumes out of the wardrobe to deal with them. Food was a nightmare as I tried to just see it as fuel and as something that was going to keep me standing up right into the night. I got it done but it won’t leave my mind today.

There is still a lot to get done and the need inside me to restrict is getting louder and my frustrations with myself are mounting daily. I am tired of attempting to be patient with myself and show myself some compassion because it’s too slow. I’m the type of person that cannot just let things happen in time. If I have things to get done, I want to get them done straight away. So this whole thing that I have been dragging out for far too long is getting harder and harder to tolerate. I need to break through this invisible barrier that is holding me here, but first I need to figure out what that barrier is and I need to do it NOW. I can’t wait any longer. I can’t continue to spend all my time worrying and denying.

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3 thoughts on “Busy days.

  1. Wow, totally understand! One thing I am trying to do is recognize that when ever I feel fat or like nothing looks good, nothing fits, and everything is focused on body image misperceptions, I try to identify what is really going on. I mentioned that, I think in my last post, that I always default first to ED stuff: fears, thinking, desire to restrict, and so forth. But then, if I look further, I realize that it is a response to some stressful event in my life, or to some intrusive thoughts relating to trauma (or whatever), or even as a result of seeing obviously anorexic people on TV or in public.

    I live in a slightly more affluent section of town where plastic surgeons are on every corner and it seems like people here are either super skinny or extra large. It’s hard to not compare and feel less than because I’m now supposedly a normal size.

    I read in other blogs about how people have gotten past all this in their journey of recovery. It seems impossible right now but maybe if they did it, we can too.

    Here’s hoping….

    1. We can always have hope 🙂 That whole comparison thing is difficult and what makes it even harder is that so often our own perception of ourselves is usually wrong and yet we can’t tell that it’s wrong. Suddenly we don’t know what to believe, the mirror? the scales? other people? We just end up tying ourselves up in knots and not really coming to an answer so the only logical thing seems to be at the time is to hate ourselves and/or engage in behaviours. I think what breaks the cycle is coming to an understanding that your worth as a human being is not at all dependant on your size. How we get to that point…I’m not exactly sure right now but it is possible. I won’t give up the fight and you don’t either.

      1. I know. My therapist keeps pointing out to me that numbers don’t determine who I am. I hear her and with all my analytical capabilities at hand, still don’t get it. I’m hoping some day I’ll have an “aha” moment but for now… I’ll just keep on keeping on.

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