This week is going to be one of those weeks that I will be pissed at myself for not engaging in full recovery. Honestly it is scaring me how much I have to do and all the places I have to be. I know I will get through it, that I will meet the deadlines and get to the events, I’m just worried about the impact it’s going to have after, and what’s more, I’m really concerned that I am not going to enjoy myself, because that’s the thing…A lot of the things that I am doing are in themselves amazing things. The more I try to distance myself from the reality of the eating disorder, the harder it grabs me and refuses to let me forget. I am tired of this crap.
Last night was the launch night of this big project I’ve been working on for months and it went really well thankfully. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through it as it was one of those morning when everything just seemed to be going wrong in my own little world. I didn’t get as much work done as I wanted to in the morning because I couldn’t focus, then I decided I didn’t like the cardigan I bought so went to get a new one but couldn’t find one. Then I just thought about getting a new dress but the clothes in the shop wouldn’t fit…so I came home. My make-up didn’t want to go on well, my hair was frustrating me and I looked fat in the (other new) dress that I had bought for the event. It was all superficial and I was just trying to feel good about myself for once and the way I looked, but it didn’t happen. So despite my little non drama’s. People seemed to have a good time and enjoy the work and I did a lot of smiling and networking. It’s still weird for me to do stuff like that, to have to engage with all these professionals and be seen as one of them rather than the out of control patient that I once was. There is the hope I won’t always have to pull character costumes out of the wardrobe to deal with them. Food was a nightmare as I tried to just see it as fuel and as something that was going to keep me standing up right into the night. I got it done but it won’t leave my mind today.
There is still a lot to get done and the need inside me to restrict is getting louder and my frustrations with myself are mounting daily. I am tired of attempting to be patient with myself and show myself some compassion because it’s too slow. I’m the type of person that cannot just let things happen in time. If I have things to get done, I want to get them done straight away. So this whole thing that I have been dragging out for far too long is getting harder and harder to tolerate. I need to break through this invisible barrier that is holding me here, but first I need to figure out what that barrier is and I need to do it NOW. I can’t wait any longer. I can’t continue to spend all my time worrying and denying.