I thought by now I would have sailed past these bad days and on my way to picking myself up again, assessing the damage and then moving on, and yet I’m not. If anything I’m getting pulled further in, wrapping myself up in all the things I don’t say out loud anymore. It is starting to seem more and more like a rational idea to hurt myself or starve myself and it is strange that I don’t find it as unsettling as I should. During the day it is like I’m constantly kicking myself, telling myself “Be normal. Smile. Hold a conversation. Don’t cry. Don’t fall apart. No, it is not acceptable to crawl under the table and scream and cry and refuse to move.” I’m getting through them and I don’t think anyone can tell and then I catch myself and hate myself for hiding, for feeling ashamed for the way I feel. I spend so much time telling people that it’s ok to talk and yet cannot follow through on my own beliefs.
I do love being back in a classroom though. I love learning again and having my brain challenged in a completely different way. I have missed it more than I realised. The lecture I was referring to the other day turned out to not be so bad in terms of the whole childhood stuff because I missed most of it. I was late, entirely disoriented from forcing my way through lunch and ended up getting lost in the only city I have ever lived in. I hate being late for things, it freaks me out even more. As you can imagine by the time I got up to the fourth floor I was ready to just walk away, call it a day, go back to bed. I didn’t and spent the rest of the lecture considering the question “Who am I?” (it wasn’t just me going off on some existential crisis but the actual subject of the class). It was good. Then I dropped in to a rehearsal of my friends play which is looking absolutely fantastic and between him and the cast they managed to get a smile out of me.
I also tackled another problem today which to be honest I’m still feeling pretty pathetic about. I know it’s me trying to take care of myself, making sure that my recovery stays central to my life now but it just seems like a weakness, another limitation highlighted. I had a seminar scheduled for 6pm till 7:30pm on a Thursday and I could not find a way that I could do that class and maintain my evening meal plan. I’m still pretty inflexible when I eat, preferring to stick to set meal times so that I can fit everything in without too much trauma and yet this time conflicted with my dinner. I couldn’t quite deal with having it earlier because of lunch then snack, and afterwards by the time I get home it was going to be too close to supper. I’ve spent all day being anxious about it, trying to figure it out and then my manager just asked me why I didn’t swap to a different seminar group. Obvious right? It made sense and yet I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have an extra issue, didn’t want them to accommodate my needs anymore than they do. I did not want to be awkward, and not for such what feels like a trivial problem that I was just blowing way out of proportion. But I swallowed that…pride? and emailed my course leader (who is pretty amazing) and he was completely fine with it, switched me to an earlier time without any problem. I still feel crap about it, but after tonight I see that it needed to be done. I went to the later one today so finally agreed with myself I’d have something before. The plan was the canteen, get something safe, but that was closed, so I had to go into town, visit three shops before choosing something and make it back up to uni without being late. Back on campus I found a quiet table and tried to eat, but I just couldn’t do it. I started to, but then I was shaking so much I spilt my drink everywhere and there was no paper towels, and people were beginning to walk by in groups and I just crumbled, gave up.
I’m back home now and I’m exhausted. I’m sorry for moaning at you, for not being positive. I want to give you more. I want to be here everyday, telling you there is hope, that I’m doing this and beating the crap out of this disorder. It’s not realistic though is it? The only thing I can give you today is that I’m not giving up. I am NOT giving up this time.